Happily
Ever After
Rhonda Byrne in her bestselling book “The Secret” says that if you focus your thoughts on certain things, they will magically appear in your life. The book has been controversial and has received both encouraging and harsh reviews. It has sold 30 million copies worldwide and has been translated into 50 languages. I have read it and use the book as one of my primary arguments against women having opinions.
But my Mom does not agree with me. Not that she has read the book. But she is relentless in directing all her energy in finding a suitable bride for me. In all fairness, all she wants is to find a suitable daughter-in-law for herself. I am just a medium to go about the task. I guess that’s the primary reason for birthing boys in this country. Because mothers don’t want sons. They want dauthers-in-law. Sons are just an unpleasant part of the process. If she could have her way, she would eliminate me from the equation altogether. But being the loving Mom that she is, she doesn’t even want a “daughter-in-law”. She just wants the daughter she never had (this surely irks my sisters a bit). And if Mom desires something with all her heart, then all of society (mama’s and mausi’s) joins her in that godforsaken endeavor. After all, who the hell likes retirement?
Now my Mom has a friend and a sister, both named “Usha”. It is a common Indian name. In fact we can all be sure that while growing up, all our fathers had a crush on at least one “Usha”. It’s very similarly to how we all had a crush on a “Pooja” and all our children have crushes on a “Kiara”. That’s how common the name is. So it wasn’t very surprising when both their names turned out to be “Usha Goyal”. And I wasn’t surprised when Mom told me that both their husbands are named “Suresh”. Nor was I surprised when Mom said that they both have a daughter named “Ritu” who was the eldest child of three, of whom the youngest one being the only son. This two-elder-daughters then single-son structure was common in many Indian families largely driven by the motivation to keep having children until you get a son. We all know guys who have a ridiculous number of siblings, who are the youngest and the only male child of the lot. Somehow, this has been beneficial for India’s sex ratios and for feminists in general. But we digress. This was not about the improvement in India’s sex-ratios. This was about Ritu Goyal. So I was not surprised when Mom sent me her bio-data.
A bio-data is a 1-2 page document circulated in marwadi families which is essentially a matrimonial resume. And like most other job applications in this country, it is your connections that get you the interview and not your qualifications. A bio-data gives you the name, age, height, weight, education, astrological chart, and complexion of the prospective bride and groom. It also mentions the entire list of family members and their professions for each side to base their decisions on. Apparently the trifecta of coincidences between the names of Ritu Goyal and her parents with my mausi’s family was all my Mom needed to know about Ritu Goyal to qualify her as a suitable match for me. I must admit most arranged marriages are set-up for far less.
I went over the bio-data and immediately searched the girl on Facebook. The first thing I noticed was the lack of information on Facebook. It was not the lack of information from a person who does not post frequently. It was lack of information which reeked of hiding of evidence. As a general safety precaution, a lot of girls engage in what is called the “cleansing of social media” when they turn of marriageable age. That means deleting any pictures with clothes are shorter than the patriarchal outlook, deleting any pictures where the girl might be seen as drinking or with boys or (god forbid) fat! Her Facebook profile shined like a new tire that was yet to hit the road. I also noticed that this girl had completed her engineering two years ago and her MBA two months ago. My inner Sherlock started ticking. I took another look at those cheeks. She was cute. There was no way she graduated single from a college famous for having skewed sex-ratios. And her bio-data had been issued. Means she had a break-up soon after graduation. Two months, I guessed. So she would still be in mourning for… ten more months, I guessed. After that the loneliness of the big city would’ve started to creep in on her. Like the seasonal mangoes, she would be ripe to be plucked.
I told my mom, ‘she had a break-up two months ago and she’s in mourning. If you call her mom she’ll tell you that the girl has recently graduated and wants to work for a year before getting married.’
My Mom said I was being a false prophet and I should not generalize women like this. When my Mom called my prospective mother-in-law Usha Goyal, this is what she heard, ‘Didi I know we need to get her married right? But you know kids these days. She just graduated and says she wants to focus on her career right now and wants to work for a year before getting married.’
I may not be the brightest star in the sky, but when it came to predicting break-ups of engineer-MBA girls, I had more experience than the entire marwadi marriage-broking community put together. I wonder if this is a superpower or just sad.
I met Podrik a few weeks later and told him the story. He also said that I was being crazy and I should not generalize women like this. Then I showed him Ritu Goyal’s picture from 3 years ago.
‘Yes. I see it now. She is in mourning,’ he said.
Despite the 100% graduation rate, the Indian education system does not produce as many good engineers as it admits. But the engineering graduates such as myself do understand the economics of dating and relationships. If you put 100 girls between 1,000 boys between the very hormonal ages of 18-22, every guy will graduate with a strong understanding of rejection and every girl will graduate either with one (or several) boyfriend or with one (or several) heartbreaks. This was neither horniness nor human psychology. Just simple statistics.
And so when we engineers saw a recent MBA’s bio-data, all we needed to do was adjust the math a little based on her good-looks and the proportion of girls in an MBA classroom (1:3 for finance and marketing; 3:2 for HR, those lucky bastards). And we would figure out when a girl had her last break-up simply by looking at her picture. You could say that the formula was absurd. But it’s still more usable than the Black-Scholes model.
And so I was given Ritu Goyal’s number. And she was given mine. And I figured out that her office was next to mine. We might have had a sandwich together at the local eatery at some point over the last week without noticing each other. But she never called me. And I never called her. And we lived happily ever after.
Or so I thought… until I met Shaera.
Rhonda Byrne in her bestselling book “The Secret” says that if you focus your thoughts on certain things, they will magically appear in your life. The book has been controversial and has received both encouraging and harsh reviews. It has sold 30 million copies worldwide and has been translated into 50 languages. I have read it and use the book as one of my primary arguments against women having opinions.
But my Mom does not agree with me. Not that she has read the book. But she is relentless in directing all her energy in finding a suitable bride for me. In all fairness, all she wants is to find a suitable daughter-in-law for herself. I am just a medium to go about the task. I guess that’s the primary reason for birthing boys in this country. Because mothers don’t want sons. They want dauthers-in-law. Sons are just an unpleasant part of the process. If she could have her way, she would eliminate me from the equation altogether. But being the loving Mom that she is, she doesn’t even want a “daughter-in-law”. She just wants the daughter she never had (this surely irks my sisters a bit). And if Mom desires something with all her heart, then all of society (mama’s and mausi’s) joins her in that godforsaken endeavor. After all, who the hell likes retirement?
Now my Mom has a friend and a sister, both named “Usha”. It is a common Indian name. In fact we can all be sure that while growing up, all our fathers had a crush on at least one “Usha”. It’s very similarly to how we all had a crush on a “Pooja” and all our children have crushes on a “Kiara”. That’s how common the name is. So it wasn’t very surprising when both their names turned out to be “Usha Goyal”. And I wasn’t surprised when Mom told me that both their husbands are named “Suresh”. Nor was I surprised when Mom said that they both have a daughter named “Ritu” who was the eldest child of three, of whom the youngest one being the only son. This two-elder-daughters then single-son structure was common in many Indian families largely driven by the motivation to keep having children until you get a son. We all know guys who have a ridiculous number of siblings, who are the youngest and the only male child of the lot. Somehow, this has been beneficial for India’s sex ratios and for feminists in general. But we digress. This was not about the improvement in India’s sex-ratios. This was about Ritu Goyal. So I was not surprised when Mom sent me her bio-data.
A bio-data is a 1-2 page document circulated in marwadi families which is essentially a matrimonial resume. And like most other job applications in this country, it is your connections that get you the interview and not your qualifications. A bio-data gives you the name, age, height, weight, education, astrological chart, and complexion of the prospective bride and groom. It also mentions the entire list of family members and their professions for each side to base their decisions on. Apparently the trifecta of coincidences between the names of Ritu Goyal and her parents with my mausi’s family was all my Mom needed to know about Ritu Goyal to qualify her as a suitable match for me. I must admit most arranged marriages are set-up for far less.
I went over the bio-data and immediately searched the girl on Facebook. The first thing I noticed was the lack of information on Facebook. It was not the lack of information from a person who does not post frequently. It was lack of information which reeked of hiding of evidence. As a general safety precaution, a lot of girls engage in what is called the “cleansing of social media” when they turn of marriageable age. That means deleting any pictures with clothes are shorter than the patriarchal outlook, deleting any pictures where the girl might be seen as drinking or with boys or (god forbid) fat! Her Facebook profile shined like a new tire that was yet to hit the road. I also noticed that this girl had completed her engineering two years ago and her MBA two months ago. My inner Sherlock started ticking. I took another look at those cheeks. She was cute. There was no way she graduated single from a college famous for having skewed sex-ratios. And her bio-data had been issued. Means she had a break-up soon after graduation. Two months, I guessed. So she would still be in mourning for… ten more months, I guessed. After that the loneliness of the big city would’ve started to creep in on her. Like the seasonal mangoes, she would be ripe to be plucked.
I told my mom, ‘she had a break-up two months ago and she’s in mourning. If you call her mom she’ll tell you that the girl has recently graduated and wants to work for a year before getting married.’
My Mom said I was being a false prophet and I should not generalize women like this. When my Mom called my prospective mother-in-law Usha Goyal, this is what she heard, ‘Didi I know we need to get her married right? But you know kids these days. She just graduated and says she wants to focus on her career right now and wants to work for a year before getting married.’
I may not be the brightest star in the sky, but when it came to predicting break-ups of engineer-MBA girls, I had more experience than the entire marwadi marriage-broking community put together. I wonder if this is a superpower or just sad.
I met Podrik a few weeks later and told him the story. He also said that I was being crazy and I should not generalize women like this. Then I showed him Ritu Goyal’s picture from 3 years ago.
‘Yes. I see it now. She is in mourning,’ he said.
Despite the 100% graduation rate, the Indian education system does not produce as many good engineers as it admits. But the engineering graduates such as myself do understand the economics of dating and relationships. If you put 100 girls between 1,000 boys between the very hormonal ages of 18-22, every guy will graduate with a strong understanding of rejection and every girl will graduate either with one (or several) boyfriend or with one (or several) heartbreaks. This was neither horniness nor human psychology. Just simple statistics.
And so when we engineers saw a recent MBA’s bio-data, all we needed to do was adjust the math a little based on her good-looks and the proportion of girls in an MBA classroom (1:3 for finance and marketing; 3:2 for HR, those lucky bastards). And we would figure out when a girl had her last break-up simply by looking at her picture. You could say that the formula was absurd. But it’s still more usable than the Black-Scholes model.
And so I was given Ritu Goyal’s number. And she was given mine. And I figured out that her office was next to mine. We might have had a sandwich together at the local eatery at some point over the last week without noticing each other. But she never called me. And I never called her. And we lived happily ever after.
Or so I thought… until I met Shaera.
