Shields

“And when nobody wakes you up in the morning. And when nobody waits for you at night. And when you can do whatever you want. What do you call it? Freedom or Loneliness?” – Charles Bukowski

 

Shields

There’s an illusion of stability

there’s an illusion of progress

there’re mirrors and shields everywhere

but there’s nothing of any real substance

 

I seek progress, but meditate on failure

afraid to make, any wrong decisions

Living so cautiously, that I do not live at all

in which case, I fail by default

 

And comfortably nestled in my cocoon I lay

knowing that sitting easy is not the stuff of kings

Stifled out of any motivation, I rest

and free myself from all endeavours of life

 

I carefully measure each act

on a balance of optimism and stupidity

I blame my past for my lack of motivation

Unable to accept, that my past is my own fault

 

Fearing to care, for any thing or anyone

‘cause nothing is ever meant to last

No one does, nothing does

Eventually, they all turn their backs and you’re alone again

 

And such, I close my life to serendipity

and desire to be in control of all that is my life

refusing to engage in anything that is not

unable to see the bigger picture

 

Such is the nature of the cocoon

that I’ve wrapped around myself

That all I can see is only the concept of myself

And all I can do is be me

 

I got attacked from many sides

And I drew too many shields

And now all I see is a reflection of me

And it gets hot underneath

 

And I wish to break free

But I’m too afraid for what lies outside

I know it’s not easy

But I know it’s not as bad as I believe it to be

 

Anyway, I’ll never know unless I’m out

But the burden of these shields rests heavy on me

And I know I must break free

I just don’t know how nor have the will to be

 

I don’t cry for help

lest someone might hear and help me

Afraid that reality isn’t as bad as it is in my head

that the world is not as mean as I imagine it to be

 

And all my imaginary demons that I have nestled for so long

will need to be released and forgotten

And I am attached to my inner demons

Like a prisoner who has fallen in love with the walls around him

 

But I am the prisoner

And I am the prison

And I know I must break free

I just don’t know how nor have the will to be

 

Vishal Gupta

23 June 2024

Fanning Flames

I watch a fire burn

Its soft embers graze the soul

Who knows what keeps it alight

Who knows how long

before cold darkness grips again

 

Small twigs burn bright and fast

Heavier logs scorch slower, with difficulty

There is perhaps a lesson to be had here

I’m not sure, I just watch intently

 

There is a buzz around the room

I care not, but for a single sound

The twitch of an eye among blazing cinders

Missed eyes, looking at me

I’m not sure if they were looking for me

I just know the fire, and not much else

 

Vishal Gupta

December 18^th, 2023

Vedika, Vinita, what the f...! - Chapter 8/8

Link to Chapter 7/8

Queen’s Cross

 

We were at a café having casual conversation over coffee and cake when it suddenly hit me!

 

‘We are in a café having casual conversation over coffee and cake!’ I shrieked!

 

‘So?’ she enquired, cool as a body in a morgue. ‘That’s a perfectly normal thing to do when you’re out with your girlfriend, right?’

 

‘Let me break it down for you,’ I replied, ticking points off my fingers. ‘(a) we broke up 12 years ago, (b) you got married, (c) and moved to another continent, and (d) as per our last conversation about a decade ago, you don’t remember that I ever happened in your life.’

 

‘Interesting…’ she replied, totally unfazed by my response. ‘You still haven’t learnt anything better to do with those fingers.’

 

We considered each other for a minute. Now that I thought about it, Anjali looked very familiar to her 20-year old self. Just as cute. As puffy. On the other hand, I had streaks of whitening hair, darker dark circles, and an older beard. But why was I seeing my own dark circles?

 

‘So what you’re saying is - (a) that I’m not actually here, (b) you’re either hallucinating or dreaming, (c) your sub-conscious is so self-aware that you actually know that you’re talking to your sub-conscious, and (d) after all this time, your mind still thinks of me when you need to have an actual conversation. Either you’re seriously screwed up in the head or you need to tell me what you’ve been smoking.’

 

My eyes opened as soon as she said this. I woke up in my bed and there she was, sitting on my study table; as real as the Sun shining through my roof.

 

‘So we’re obviously having an inception sort-of moment here. Nice. I’ve never been in someone else’s sub-conscious before,’ she opened. ‘And for the record, I moved to another continent and then got married. Big difference.’

 

‘Thanks for setting the record straight. My readers would’ve really cared! But more importantly, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?’ I countered.

 

‘You tell me. I’m simply a figment of your imagination. What are you trying to work through?’

 

‘So I’m just imagining this? If this is all in my imagination, then why are you dressed so plainly. We could be having the same conversation with you in something more… objectionable. And why are we in my room?’

 

‘So that you’re not distracted,’ she said. But even as she said the words, her kurti-jeans attire turned to a dress short enough to keep my attention but long enough to not bother my chauvinism. She looked at herself and chuckled, ‘good work. But let’s not get carried away from the issue at hand. What’s up with you?’

 

I looked at her for a moment. Nothing that I hadn’t seen before. But perhaps it was best to get to the point. After all, if she was just my imagination, this was nothing more than some mental foreplay. I could do better with my sub-conscious.

 

‘I can’t find the last chapter to this series I’ve been writing,’ I said.

 

‘You’re writing again? Nice. What is it about?’ she asked.

 

‘It’s about my disastrous dating escapades. I’ve even come up with a clever title. It’s called “Vedika, Vinita, What the f…!” Like the Latin phrase Ve…’

 

‘Is this like the post you wrote about me back in the day?’ she interjected twinkling with mischief. She usually didn’t do that.

 

‘Um yeah, about that…’

 

‘And that’s why you’ve skirted through the series without mentioning any real long-term relationships and just random chicks you met on one or two dates.’

 

‘Yeah but…’

 

‘And that’s why you’ve refrained from really offending anyone, just in case anyone feels as bad as I did.’

 

‘You’re not supposed to remember this, remember?’

 

‘Dumb question. One, how would I remember that I’m not supposed to remember. And two, I’m not really here you idiot. This is you talking to you.’

 

We sat in silence for what seemed like a long time, while the Sun continued to shine through my roof with a light breeze making its way through the closed windows. She really did have a point. 12 years ago, I had written a similar series on my college days which had a whole chapter of me making fun of her. Our relationship wasn’t doing too well anyway. And with that one post on my blog I might have put the final nail in the coffin. In my stubbornness I did not take the chapter down till years later, when it was already too late.

 

‘What are you thinking about,’ she interrupted my chain of thought.

 

‘Aren’t you already supposed to know that? You are in my head after all.’

 

‘Good point! You’re finally getting the hang of it. So you’re thinking why didn’t you mention any of the more serious relationships in your series. On the off chance that you’d end up offending them, you didn’t take the chance at all. Instead you went with the easy targets. The ones who would weigh light on your conscience. But guess what, if you choose to write about dating misadventures, you’re going to offend people. You wouldn’t be much of a writer if you didn’t offend anyone.’

 

‘And the ones who get offended would leave me…’

 

‘Like I did.’

 

‘I crossed a line.’

 

‘We were done long before that ever happened.’

 

So what is this, I thought to myself. Some self-induced therapy session? Or was my brain finally melting up. And as clear as crystal as meth, I could hear her voice, without her moving her lips at all, ‘so how have you been all this while?’

 

I told her about the many many (many) dating disappointments. How I discovered girls use guys for emotional (ab)use as much as guys use girls for physical (ab)use. I discovered how even I was capable of ghosting someone. I told her about the girl from MBA with whom I was on-and-off for 6 years and how each time felt like the definite last time and how this was definitely the lastest last time. I told her about the one that got away, the one which ended in divorce, and the ones who didn’t make it past the first or second dates. I told her how I was wronged by the universe, and I was unwilling to play by its rules again. I told her how I feared trusting anyone again, because I didn’t have it in me to fail one more time. I told her how I decided that if I could just manage to stay fit and rich, the women will keep coming. And if not anything else, there’s always Kasol.

 

‘So what you’re telling me is… you’re done.’

 

‘Definitely not. Else you wouldn’t be here.’

 

‘So what do you want?’

 

I considered this for a moment, grappling with the weight of her question. What the fuck did I want. Love? Redemption? Apology? A lifetime supply of pizza?

 

‘I just want my last chapter.’

 

‘I mean in life. What the fuck do you want in life?’

 

‘I want to go back 12 years or 8 years or 4 years or however long it takes to fix one of my mistakes.’

 

‘I can’t turn back time for you. But think about this - if you have made mistakes with me, and after me, and after that, and after that… aren’t you due for your next mistake soon? Maybe try not to screw that up?’

 

‘And what if I’m too afraid to commit to a mistake again.’

 

‘As someone very close to both of us once said, “It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all—in which case, you fail by default.”’

 

We sat without talking for a long time. The realization of what would happen next settled gradually over me in the long minutes, life softly falling snow.

 

‘I’ve got to wake up, haven’t I?’

 

‘That’s up to you.’

 

‘I’ve got a choice?’

 

‘Oh yes,’ she smiled at me. ‘We’re in your room right? I think you can decide to stay here, create more fiction, stay on your computer, and do the things you’ve been doing.’

 

Silence again.

 

‘But you want me to go back.’

 

‘I think,’ she said, ‘that you want to return. That you want to find someone. I cannot promise that you will find her. But I know this, that you have more to offer than you think you do.’

 

I nodded and sighed. Waking up would not be nearly as hard as committing to someone had been, but it was sunny and windy in here, and waking up would be heading back to paid and the fear of more loss. I stood up, and she did the same, and we looked for a long moment into each other’s faces.

 

‘Tell me one last thing,’ I said. ‘Is this real? Or has this been happening inside my head?’

 

She beamed at me, and her voice sounded loud and musical in my ears even though the Sun was getting dimmer, obscuring her figure.

 

‘Of course it is happening inside your head. But why on Earth should that mean it is not real?’

Vedika, Vinita, what the f...! - Chapter 7/8

Link to Chapter 6/8

Barbarians at the Gate

Now I must admit, I do not know much about arranged marriages. They are an institution of their own and I have neither the will nor the inclination to learn about them. What I do know about is investment banking and mergers & acquisitions. So let us talk about that.

 

An M&A transaction occurs when someone has something to sell, and the other person has money to spare. When this happens, intelligent investment bankers like myself go to these rich people with money to spare. We tell these rich people that they, who have built such a fortune and amassed so much wealth, that THEY do not know what to do with their money. So now me, the guy who took an Ola-share to come meet them at their office, waited outside for an hour, and is now prying for their attention, I shall tell them what to do with their hard earned money. Because I know best.

 

So I tell them that there’s this “opportunity” in the market. It’s a good opportunity. A rare opportunity. An opportunity that does not last long in the market. Which is false. Because if such opportunities were to get exhausted, then from where would “intelligent advisors” such as myself get their next pay-cheque?

 

But I don’t tell my investor this. I tell them that there’s this wonderful, beautiful, wheatish complexioned opportunity in the market. Which this investor must explore. In fact if I had the money, I would invest right now. Right now! I wouldn’t. No investment banker ever invests in what they are selling. No drug dealer is ever an addict.

                                                                                                                     

Usually the investor’s CEO would be too busy to entertain the i-banker’s pitch. After all, he is responsible for the riches coming in. And he’s busy with that. More experienced people directly approach the Chairman. The Chairman really doesn’t have many functional responsibilities, other than to nudge the CEO to make more money. And what better way to make more money than to explore new opportunities? Many better ways actually. To start with, stick to what you know. That almost never fails. But we never say that.

 

And so the meeting is set-up. The parties get to know each other. They find common ground, like the common ground between a car manufacturer and a watch manufacturer. It is my job to convince them that the ground between them is common. And it is round. And the sky overhead is blue for both. And every car obviously needs a watch. And what is a watch other than an elaborate piece of mechanics running on a set of wheels? And with arguments like these, we let the parties know that they are interested. But they won’t say it to each other directly. Because no one wants to look desperate. That’s when they turn to me. And I tell both of them that the other party might be interested, but they are looking at other companies to… merge with as well. So they better hurry. There’s almost never another party.

So to save face these two parties leave the due-diligence to me. After all, who better to make an investigation other than the person who gets paid if the investigation comes clean? And who is in a hurry to explore the next “great opportunity” with the next “rich investor”.

 

And so the companies come closer. They do some small projects together. They go over each other’s balance sheets. Sometimes the sessions would last late into the night, or several nights. Under my careful observation of course. We want the companies to get fond of each other, but not get tired of each other. We don’t want them to find the dealbreakers about each other. Only find out enough which can be compromised upon. Meanwhile we make a public spectacle about the merger. Make sure everyone in the market knows about the deal coming soon and the share prices adjust accordingly. Now there’s a social market pressure on the deal going through. Someone will be disgraced if the deal breaks apart. And there’s only one thing that Indians fear more than losing money.

 

 This point on enough has been shared under the comfort of NDAs. So even if the deal fails, the secrets revealed to each other will stay secrets. Lol. Everyone knows that there’s no such thing as secrets, or NDAs. Secrets between people are hardly secrets. Secrets between companies are information. And information under NDAs are always closely guarded secrets, unless the price seems high enough.

 

So at this point I’m comfortable. Now it’s only a matter of time before I get my commissions. Meanwhile, the companies have started to become fussy about why the merger is taking so long. Now we can talk about the important stuff. My time hath come.

 

Now we talk about the subtle terms and conditions of the transaction. Terms that do not necessarily refer to the price, but will talk a lot about who will be in charge. This is where the CEOs step in and figure out a way how to co-exist in the new dynamic peacefully. There will be some compromises made and one of them will need to shift their office. But we all know that sooner or later they will both shift to a new office. Entirely unrelated to the companies that are merging.

 

We work our ways through visits to each other’s offices when no one’s absent and everyone wears their brightest colors. We take special care not to upset the other side and hence, avoid talking about anything meaningful. This is important. We don’t want the parties figuring out that they are incompatible. That might be the only point about compatibility that we are concerned about.

 

Now when the merger is nigh high, and the process has been powered through, doubt finally starts to creep in. Are we making the right decision? Are we getting a bad deal? Is the girl a virgin? So the parties start contacting everyone they know and don’t know to find some strand of feedback to find if they have been crossed. And they will find no such information. Because no one but the best of friends wants to be the bearer of bad news. And a true friend will not wait till the call to tell the truth. So no new information in received and the companies rest in the knowledge that despite all possible genuine effort, they have gotten the correct deal.

 

At this point, we meet the investment bankers of the other side, who, just like us, are waiting mostly for their pay-cheques and are equally desperate to get the deal done. The two sets of investment bankers are left to negotiate the final terms of the deal. And the negotiations are as real as a cricket match in the IPL. And similar avenues for earnings are created, right from the cheerleaders to inside jobs. I think Matthew McConaughey said it best when he said what he focused on. “Commissions baby!”

 

As soon as the deal is done, there is immense pressure from both managements to create immediate “synergy”. No one really knows what it is or what to do with it once you have it, but creating it seems to be essential. So that the two companies will have a problem to solve together for which they will stay put. A problem they did not have to begin with. Meanwhile, the investment bankers vanish. Until…

 

Until the synergies can no longer hold the companies together. Then the companies decide that it was a bad idea and go their own ways. Guess who knows the best way to separate a merged entity? That’s right – the investment banker. Unless there was a pre-nupital, the breaking process is going to be ugly. But the uglier it is the more we’ll get paid. So no points for guessing if it will get uglier or not. It’s like giving a pig the reigns to the carriage and hoping to avoid the mud. And guess what happens when these two battered companies are in search for new investment to get over their recently created bad times?

Vedika, Vinita, what the f...! - Chapter 6/8

Link to Chapter 5/8

I’m sorry about tonight

 

Let me present to you the world of dating apps. You may know them by different names – Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, Aisle, Grindr... There are as many of them as there are victims of loneliness. Now, if you're a woman, swiping right on Tinder is like opening a treasure chest with an all-access pass to a buffet of male suitors. Each flick of the finger summons a chorus of admirers, begging for a chance to win her affection. Meanwhile, the men of Tinder, oh, the poor blokes! They're lost in a labyrinth of swipes, where even the most endearing profile is likely to get buried beneath an avalanche of ignored right swipes. It's a game where women hold all the cards, and men cling to the hope that one day they'll be the chosen one.

 

I’ve been on these apps for a long time now. How long you ask? I have seen girls completing college on these apps. I have seen girls find dates, get married, get divorced, and come back to these apps. I have seen the same girls across city, state, and even country lines. In an odd-sort of a way, it feels a small little community of lonely people watching each other grow up together. I still prefer this to the vigilant watchfulness of my neighbours.

 

So on one such escapade, I happened to meet my latest match, a woman whose profile seemed like the perfect blend of wit, charm, and intelligence.

Her name: Lily

Her pictures: Good enough to arouse intrigue but not give anything away

Her bio: That’s what she said. Who said? Me. I’m She!

 

I challenged her to a game where I would quote 5/10 of her favourite books. If I could, we would go out for dinner, else we would unmatch each other and move on. On three instances, it was her favourite quote from the book as well. On five instances, I gave the wrong answer. By the tenth answer, she wanted me to win! As Podrik always said – “Winning doesn’t make legends. Winning by a thin margin does.”

 

We exchanged a few more witty messages, and I was already looking forward to meeting her in person. Our plan was to meet at a trendy coffee shop downtown, the perfect setting for a casual yet engaging first date. But little did I know that fate had a different plan in store for us.

As I entered the coffee shop, my eyes searched for the girl whose charm had already captured my attention. I spotted her sitting by the window, and my heart skipped a beat. She was even more stunning in person, with a smile that could light up the entire room.

 

‘So, um... you like reading books?’ I asked as we settled down.

‘Oh, definitely!’ she replied. ‘I'm a total bookworm. How about you?’

‘Well, I used to read a lot in school, you know, like those 'Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy'’ I said. ‘But now, I'm more into memes, you know? Memes are like short books for the Gen Z.’

She giigled, ‘Oh, I get it. So, what do you do for a living?’

‘I'm into investment banking. Stressed assets management to be specific. So as you can imagine, the job is full of stress. But don't worry; I won't bore you with technical jargon.’ I winked.

‘That's good to know,’ she said through laughs. ‘So, what are your hobbies?’

‘Well, I'm really into binge-watching TV shows. I've completed 'Sacred Games' twice, but my mom still insists I'm not "holy" enough.’

She burst up laughing at this. ‘Your mom sounds fun! Mine thinks I'm still 12 years old and asks me to "grow up" every time I buy something pink.’

‘That’s moms for you!’ I said. ‘So, tell me, what's the craziest thing you've ever done?’

‘Oh, I once tried to dance like a Bollywood star at a family wedding.’ She paused for a moment before continuing, ‘let's just say I accidentally knocked over the cake and became the star of the party, but not in a good way.’

It was my turn to burst up. ‘Oh no! At least you made it memorable,’ I said. ‘You know, I once tried to impress a girl by doing a backflip, but I ended up on my back. Literally.’

‘Seriously? That's hilarious! Well, at least you've got some epic stories to tell.’

‘Oh, for sure. Life's all about those awkward moments that become great stories later, right?’

‘Absolutely!’ She said. ‘So, tell me, if you were a book character, who would you be?’

I’d responded without a beat. ‘Oh, easy! I'd be the funny sidekick who cracks jokes all the time, but secretly is the main villain of the story.’

She smiled, ‘that sounds like a character I'd love to read about. You know a lot of boyfriends can be like that.’

‘Well, I don’t have a lot of experience with a lot of boyfriends,’ I said. ‘Not yet anyway.’

‘You never know. Life has a funny way of surprising us.’

 

We laughed, and the conversation flowed effortlessly. We discussed our favorite books, movies, and shared silly childhood stories. I was having the time of my life, and for a moment, it felt like the dating gods had finally smiled upon me.

 

But as the universe loves to remind us, happiness can be fleeting. Just as I was about to suggest ordering dessert, Lily's phone rang. She excused herself and stepped outside to take the call.

 

Minutes turned into what felt like an eternity, and I started to feel a little uneasy. Did something happen? Was it an emergency? Did her dog get run over? As my mind raced through various scenarios, Lily finally returned, looking flustered.

 

“I'm so sorry, something urgent came up at work, and I have to go,” she said apologetically.

 

I tried my best to hide my disappointment and replied, “No worries, things happen. Maybe we can reschedule?”

 

“Definitely!” she replied, giving me that warm smile I was already beginning to fall for. “Let me make it up to you, how about dinner tomorrow?”

 

I agreed, hoping that the next day would bring a more eventful date. But as fate would have it, Lily's work emergency turned into a series of unfortunate events that kept postponing our dinner plans.

 

First, there was a sudden power outage at her workplace, then a misplaced document that needed her immediate attention, and finally, a mishap that involved her rescuing a stray kitten from a tree.

Each time, Lily would call, apologize profusely, and assure me that she was determined to make it up to me.

 

At this point, I couldn't help but feel like I was starring in a rom-com gone wrong. But I couldn't stay mad at Lily. She always said that she would make it up to me, and in such a sweet manner. I was already looking forward to “being made up to” for all those mishaps. I hoped for a grand “making up” that was sure to be in store for me. So, we kept rescheduling, and every time, something unexpected would happen, from hilarious misadventures to downright bizarre situations.

 

One day, she called me, laughing, and said, “You won't believe it, but I accidentally locked myself in the bathroom at work. It took the janitor an hour to get me out!”

 

Another time, she texted me, “I'm so sorry, but I got lost on my way to the restaurant. I ended up having dinner with a group of tourists!”

 

Throughout all these mishaps, Lily and I kept laughing and making the best of every situation. And that's when I realized something about her – I had met her only once, for a very brief period of time. And since then all our communication had been over the phone. What if she never really existed and was a ghost who could only take physical form once a year? What if she was Cinderella who wasn’t allowed to go out of her house too often, and it was upto me to rescue her? What if I was just to be kept on the sidelines, in case something more interesting didn’t come up that day.

 

As these bizarre theories swirled through my mind, I decided to confront Lily about it. But doing so in a serious manner wouldn't be my style. Instead, I opted for my own unique approach – an impromptu game of Twenty Questions. If she answered yes to questions like, “Are you a figment of my imagination?” or “Are you actually an undercover superhero?” then I would know I was onto something.

 

So, I called her up and launched into my absurd line of questioning. “Are you secretly a time-traveling wizard?” I asked. “Nope,” she chuckled. “Do you have a twin sister who takes over your life every other day?” I inquired. “Haha, definitely not!”

 

With each question, Lily laughed and played along, but she never gave away the secret. Instead, she skillfully turned the tables and started asking me equally ridiculous questions. “Are you Batman in disguise?” she teased. “You caught me!” I replied with mock seriousness.

 

It’s been seven months since that fateful date at the café. I think I now acknowledge that I’m not going to meet Lily again. But till date I try to make plans, knowing that she will cancel at the last moment. At this point, it’s not even about the plan anymore. I’m just curious about the excuse she would come up with. In the latest iteration, she said she has to “make it up” to a guy whom she hasn’t met in a long time. That happened about an hour ago. I must leave now. Someone’s at the door.