Haystack

We had the meet yesterday

I connected with a lot of folks

Faces, handshakes, glasses raised,

names I’d forget

But all these networking events

are something in a haystack problems

And I instantly searched for that One person

who wasn’t there.

 

One person who I was confident I would recognize

even if I had a little glimpse of her somehow

One person I had no idea what to say to

One person I just wanted to raise a toast to

and say “thank you”

One person I wanted to have a full-fledged conversation with

and wanted to know how her journey had been

Because I know no one understands her like me

and me like her

And I wonder if she longs to be understood like I do

I don’t even know if she wants to have that long conversation with me

I don’t know if I’ll be able to recognize her

Has she gotten fit? Has she gotten fat?

Maybe she doesn’t need to talk to me

because the man she chose

understands her better than I ever could

Maybe she wants to talk to me about how she feels unloved

because I’m the only one who would understand

Maybe she wants to elope with me

 

All these are hypotheticals

Assumptions

Fictions I rehearse in the theatre of my mind

It’s been five years

The only thing I can be sure of

is that she has changed

She’s not the girl I knew last

Even if her face were recognizable

I don’t know if her soul is

A man loves a woman hoping she’ll never change,

and she inevitably does

A woman only loves a man who changes for her,

and he rarely does.

 

Maybe I wasn’t searching for her,

but for the version of myself

that only she knew

 

Vishal Gupta

11^th May, 2025

Fanning Flames

I watch a fire burn

Its soft embers graze the soul

Who knows what keeps it alight

Who knows how long

before cold darkness grips again

 

Small twigs burn bright and fast

Heavier logs scorch slower, with difficulty

There is perhaps a lesson to be had here

I’m not sure, I just watch intently

 

There is a buzz around the room

I care not, but for a single sound

The twitch of an eye among blazing cinders

Missed eyes, looking at me

I’m not sure if they were looking for me

I just know the fire, and not much else

 

Vishal Gupta

December 18^th, 2023

Folded Corners

A shared book

some corners folded

marked as if to say

“Look what I found!

What I’ve been meaning to say”

 

Now those folds on paper

like ghosts still dancing on the covers

She is gone, I had forgotten

the folds had remained

 

And years later

when I was chosen by the book

I touched the folds knowing

they were last touched by her hands before me

 

A book is a message from across eons

a shared book is a layer deeper

speaking unsaid words between us

telling me what I could not understand then

 

I turn over the last pages

no folded corners there

Somewhere in the middle or towards the end

the folds shall stop

I won’t know what will be the last page

where I’ll find her last thought

Patiently folded waiting for me

I won’t know when I will pass it by

 

I won’t know when I will say goodbye

once more, one last time

 

I won’t know how many times

I’ll have to say the last goodbye again

 

It must be said

Banjaran hated tarnishing words with folds

But that book she chose to crinkle

to say her unsaid words to me

 

The book takes me through many stories

reminds me of others I’ve spent with beautiful people

I don’t know if the dancing ghosts delight or fright me

I just know that they are there

 

At some point my hand goes to the corner of the page

as if knowing it’ll find her touch there

as if knowing that she was here once, and was touched

as my fingers look to touch her again

 

I look astonished, to find a fold there

waiting for me, as expected

As if reprimanding me from years ago

“I’ve been here, all this time”

 

And alas! she is found

again waiting for me on that page

And across the years we find each other again

Among folded corners, and unspoken words

 

Vishal Gupta

December 18^th, 2023

Reunion

‘What is love?’ the discourse furthered

in a sea of faces, both strangers and friends

and friends who once were strangers

and strangers who once were more than friends

 

He smiled and professed the crowd,

refraining to speak truths he knew few could fathom

but the message needed to be sent

unspoken words had tortured him for too long

and so he spoke

 

‘Love cannot be encapsulated in a single definition

be it yours or mine,

It takes as many forms as there are waves in the ocean

and as many words as there are echoes in the mountains

 

It is the eternal desire, when you pine for someone with such passion

that their mere presence fills you up like an overflowing river

The sight of their eyes twinkles brighter than all the stars in the sky

And all you want to do is hold her close and let her know

that your embrace is the only home she would ever need

You wish to spoil her so no one will ever be good enough again

you want to destroy yourself and everything you possess in her service

Gratify her every desire to the point where she takes you for granted

devote your existence to her every thought

Suffocate her with your love that she can’t help

but to wish you away

While you rue yourself for trying too hard

for wanting too much

hoping she would understand what she means to you

hoping she would appreciate your devotion for her

Crying along on starlit nights sitting in her backyard

burying the remnants of your love for her

Knowing that the ghosts of your own making will haunt you

to eternity and beyond

 

Then there’s the other kind of love

one that doesn’t speak much

and stays silent for days, weeks, months… generations

it emerges only when becalled

and for a fleeting moment it shows its grandeur

and then succumbs back into oblivion

waiting, to be bid again

It’s not lazy, this love

it just doesn’t like the noise

it prefers to watch from afar

It would like to be appreciated

but doesn’t mind if it isn’t

It prides on simply being

Watching, waiting, being

Like an overarching shadow of the sky

like a slight breeze of summertime

Like light seeping through the creaks of darkness

like rain waiting in the folds of clouds

Just because it doesn’t make its presence felt

doesn’t mean it isn’t there

Just because it was lost

doesn’t mean it can’t be found again’

 

He gleaned at the silent crowd

this time, his eyes finding another’s

Ones that had understood him so well then

ones that understood him so well now

 

With wet eyes, she dare not shed any

for she had gone far too far

and all that remained was a look between

all words said and unsaid shared

for they knew this was all they would ever share

now and forever

 

Vishal Gupta

February 20^th, 2023

The Hermit and the Princess

He sits atop a mountain in atonement,

His form inspiring awe from all who behold

Thick locks that arrest the fall of mighty rivers

A terrible eye, if awoken may destroy all

A serpent keeps watch wrapped around his neck

His lionskin cloth speaks of the unspeakable

Ghosts surround him, worshiping him as God

The destroyer, the hermit, the warrior, the fearful

His consort radiates exorbitance

Laden in jewels and wrapped in red silk

She rides a tiger, no less befitting

yet her image is of the mother, all forgiving

She rules the forests, the hills, the grass, the green

She enjoys luxuries and deserves more still

Alone in a city of demons, she finds her peace

The strength, the smile, the love, the energy

He opens his eyes, after having seen all eternity

and finds her sitting by his side

He looks at her in admiration,

for the universe holds no prettier sight

She looks at him inspired

for he is all that’s dear to her life

In his glances she finds her smile

And no words were needed between their eyes

He knows she doesn’t need him

yet in her presence he finds peace

She gives him a silent slight of the eye

And he knows she understand everything in his mind

She is no different from him but a part of his soul

He is not what completes her, but who makes her more

They dance and the world bows

They embrace, and the world finds hope

Vishal Gupta

30 Mar 2020

A Storm Brewing

You know that moment

right after the break-up

When you’re full of love

but have lost the one you could pour it on

Your heart is heavy

you wonder how we got here

You miss, not the person

but how you felt

Yearning, to feel it once again

you look at the phone directory

Someone. Anyone…

Who may be able to understand

what’s going on in your heaving heart

lest it bursts out of your chest

He sits solemnly alone in a room

this book has occupied his evenings for several days

engrossed, he instinctively reaches for his phone,

checks for messages. Nothing

He returns to the book

A quiet moment has gripped the room

Like the one right before the rain

Like something is about to happen

A ring. A name. A face. Memories.

He smiles before accepting, savoring the moment

He says hello, anxiety speaks from the other side

He knows some terrible ill has befallen

and she needs to be heard

Her heart is heavy with emotion and words are difficult to find

She made the call but cannot tell him of the dreams that haunt her

Instead, she tells him about her day

How she spends time watching a lot of videos

And is unable to wake up to face the next day

How she’s gained a few pounds recently

And how she’s determined to lose it again

And suddenly she apologizes

For now she understands how he had felt once

She understands now, his love for her

She doesn’t want him back, as he is still the same guy

She knows he won’t take her back, as she is a changed woman

He realizes her heartbreak, but chooses not to mention

instead he sticks to listening

it’s been long since someone has heard her

and longer since he’s had the sweet ring of her voice

Life seems to have humbled her

and she sounds like the girl he was once in love with

She needs to be told all is well with the world

and she is safe as long as he’s there

But he’s lost the right to say that long ago

If only he could hold her once again

She would know she never left his thoughts

And find home in the comfort of his arms

He finds it easy to forgive her

She realizes he has moved on with life

That’s what people do, they move on

Time heals everything, but does not spare the pain

She will heal too someday, she knows

But not today, today she wishes there was no time ahead at all

Today she wishes for just a moment, a moment with someone

Someone to tell her that her world has not broken apart

And that’s what she sought from this call

Her mood has lightened, her heart has not

she will find the pillow wet in the morning again

for he might have forgiven her

she’ll take far longer to forgive herself

A song appears in his head out of nowhere

a song he thought he has long forgotten

something they had shared long ago

something he hadn’t touched since her departure

he couldn’t place it at once

but like a strong sea current rushing to make love to the ocean

it quickly took shape

“So close to me… feels so hard to breathe… so hard to hold back… let’s just take it slow…

Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight…”

Vishal Gupta

9 January 2020

तुम आना

तुम आना पहली बारिश कि तरह

जो महकती हवाएँ ले आये

तुम जाना डूबते सूरज कि तरह

जो आसमाँ में चन्द सितारे छोड़ जाए

तुम आना बीतते उस लम्हे कि तरह

जो भागती हुई ज़िंदगी को थाम ले

तुम जाना जाना नींद के उस पल कि तरह

जो चुपचाप सपनो कि दुनिया में ले जाये

तुम आना तूफ़ां की कि तरह

जिसका आगाज़ दूर से हो

तुम जाना गूँज कि तरह

ज़रा हौले से

अगर जाने-आज़माने का इरादा है

तो फिर कभी और आना

तुम आना तो पूरी तरह आना

या तो आना ही मत

विशाल गुप्ता

16-02-2020

Maybe. Someday

Ever heard the whisper of loneliness?

Or the screams of silence?

The sound of unrequited love?

The vacuum left behind once a heart has been bared?

The moment a person is on your mind

And you scroll through rectangles

for there is a chime which is happiness for you

And it has found happiness somewhere else

The conscious mind can only inflict pains

that it can tolerate on itself

The unconscious is more cruel

not knowing the pains it condemns

Struggling through a barrage of “maybe” and “someday”

you ponder on the wave of emotions two words can bring

Maybe. Someday. She says

Maybe, someday… you hear

Looking for respite from your own mind

You seek comfort which distance denies

in food and flesh and sweat and thrift

Not knowing voids such are uncompromised

Torture is not what the body endures

torture is the image the mind conjures

For every punishment is first suffered in the mind

and every scar is etched last from memory

Going through the day with endless words

Knowing which are not safe to venture on

Dancing carefully, on the carpet of dreams

Yet finding moments, which avert belief

Perhaps a stranger could lend an ear

One who comes without judgment’s fear

No prejudices on how holy we ought to have been

just be hear our story and never again be seen

And distances make me so helpless

that I envy the coffee cup

which gets to kiss your sleepy lips

awake every cold and bitter morning

And I wait for you to love me

the way I know I cannot stop loving you

but someday my persistence may fail my love

because I deserve more than a “maybe. Someday”

Vishal Gupta

27 January 2020

Sweet Nothings

Come hither! Wait. Whisper,

sweet nothings in my ear

Tell me about all the things

that did not happen during the day

And let us look into each other’s eyes

and see the dreams we will never have

For long I have wandered in forests of activity

once, I wish to bathe in the rivers of sweet nothing

Drop me a message in the middle of the day

only to say that you were thinking of me

Smile, make me smile, share a hug online

Cure my anxiety of if you’ve forgotten me in the past hours

when I have pined to hear your voice

to see your face to touch your hand

To feel my world is complete again

Kiss me randomly begging the question “why”

with the only answer as “because I wanted to”

Share an unexpected hug

spend the day huddled under a sheet over a movie we won’t remember

Or take me to a faraway land

only to never leave the room and watch the sky change colors

To see how the birds fly and how flowers bloom

And how each day beckons the next in the presence of you

Share the morning tea with me, share the goodnight kiss

Be my first sight of the day, be the last hug I give

Talk to me about your day, and your miles to go before you sleep

the things to read the sights to see

the music to dance the wines to cherish

And stay close to me in those quiet moments

when arms express so much more than words ever can

And understand me on the unkind days

when destiny has not been too kind to me

When regrets come to haunt me again

and when darkness looms, as it inevitably does

Life will not come to us with an instruction manual

it will come, I hope, with you

And I promise that I will choose to love My Monster

on the days that will be difficult

Because my love is not my gift you

it is my gift to my life

So don’t stop dancing when the music stops

and just hold me close

Maybe the music will find us again

Vishal Gupta

9 January 2020

You Didn’t Have To Do That

‘I suppose in the end, the whole of life becomes an act of letting go, but what always hurts the most is not taking a moment to say goodbye.’ – Piscine “Pi” Molitor Patel, Life of Pi

Words often fail to express

messages that can only flow from your heart to mine

and one such message came to me

When you hugged me for the last time

Away from the world, under the stars

Amongst friends, alone at last

The only witness – the cake between us

the only words, ‘you didn’t have to do that’

And you hugged me close and I held you tight

Knowing, this was but the last night

But deep down inside I knew this’d be the first of many

When my world would be bereft of light

Holding you close, I heard my heartbeats calling out

Hearing your words, I heard them tearing apart

I vowed never to see or hear you ever again

But what is honor compared to a man’s love?

Perhaps your words, painful as they may have been

were much needed for me to go on

Sure I’ll miss my angel with the broken wing

But I guess they’re someone else’s to mend hereon

My Banjari my Devil, my Monsoon my Prestige

Who struggles to pose in pictures and lives to make life large

Perhaps my world wasn’t big enough

to contain soulmates, as different as us

So now only you would remain in it, for a while I’m sure

For I may have lost the key, but I’ll get a new door

Perhaps you’d come again, perhaps you won’t

If you do, get a new key, this heart isn’t for rent anymore

Loving you I learnt, what a struggle it is to care

To love to fear to smile to despair

For the worst prison on Earth isn’t the one that kills the soul

The worst prison is the one that poisons with hope

And a note to the new gardener of the flower that was once mine

to the one who shall possess a Beautiful Mind so divine

Do not mistake her freedom for rashness

do not stop her from being her own self

For if you can’t hug her in the dead of the night

when she has returned, fighting battles inside

and looks to you for a hug and a kiss and a cuddle goodnight

If you can’t bring her chocolate cake without a question

If you can’t tell her you love her with all her flaws

If you don’t believe that your love will free her from herself

If you can’t love her, beyond all the anger you’re bound to feel

Then I suggest you dare not take up the mantle

My Monster is not the easiest of women

She’s the fire that can light up your world, or burn it down

She’s the light that can shine with glory, or turn you blind

She’s the drop that gives life, or wreaks havoc

Her smile can last you a lifetime, or make you wish to die

My Monster, is not the easiest of women

She is, however, the most woman of women

Vishal Gupta

16^th June, 2019

Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz

I

She sits on a table top, unhindered, undisturbed

she gleams of glory both past and in now

Yet her smile seems rather broken

her demons have made home, in my angel’s heaven

She takes it all in, and makes it glow

She dazzles life’s lemons, and makes Christmas snow

But she keeps away from happiness, and engulfs her own world

Afraid what she may find, if time be allowed so

She doesn’t understand that pain demands to be felt

and I am willing to hold her hand when it does

My own heart grows weary with sorrow

but her presence close by, gives me hope for tomorrow

She complains that she is too reserved, and I come out too strong

she’s afraid that she’s too volatile, and I remain too uptight

Obviously I’ve just met her, and cannot fathom the depths of her soul

And I only wish for her time, to know if we could ever together grow old

Of course I can’t tell a girl I just met, that I might hopelessly be in love with her

but what is man if not fragile? How distant are we from altering our lives?

All it takes is one day, one phone call, one crash, one near miss

Some might say we are too fickle. I see it as being beautifully fragile

But she doesn’t care, she sits on her edge, waiting for her fall

And I only wish to hold her up, for her fall will not be hers alone

But she refuses sympathy and help, and takes on her demons herself

But secret in her heart, she wants her knight

But it’s not a white knight she wants, she awaits a dark knight

Who lets her fight her war, and waits for her return

Holds her in victory and defeat, and nurses her battle scars

Whom she could hold under a starry night, and feel she has arrived home

She had her home in the past, she saw how it burnt down

She’s been afraid of home ever since

At some point, she stopped believing, and told herself a different story

That the demons within her defined who she was

I tell her she’s wrong, and who likes to hear that?

And honestly I do not care, because I see her beyond what she sees in herself

She loved fiercely, lost big, and has lost heart

But she still sings honestly, and I know that all is not lost

 II

I watch the sun go down every day

It gives me a sense of calm

For fifteen minutes, the world gives me a sanctuary

And I hear the music meant for angels

Eagles soar across the sky

Claiming for themselves what man has merely teased

Such panache is of the winged creatures

Inspiring and frightening at the same time

In silent serene moments like these when I’m saying goodbye to yet another day

My mind lays in fray and I think of the one who doesn’t remember me

I know I shouldn’t but I can’t help it

For this is no longer about what I feel for her, but what I wish to feel

Her thoughts come rushing to me like a river after a storm

Filling and emptying the chasms of my hollow heart

I hope I find her, I hope I have

But can I find my treasure of destiny before it find who I am?

 III

A storm brews in the heavens

And the Gods have let their will known

And I have become tired of playing the same over and over again

And now I want to stop playing, and I want to win

I know not the road I am on, I know not where it leads

My mind asks me not to risk all at once,

but if you’re not even taking a chance,

what are you even doing?

I know not if I’ll get to hold her hands some day or not

I know not if I’ll see her eyes twinkle like I know they can

I only know that it is what I want, and what I shall work towards

And to wait for those moments kills me

For I know if it is to be in the future,

I want the time I need to get to her

Rather than spending them in an abyss of hope and despair together

I want each passing moment, knowing that I have her by my side

And I yearn for the precious moments when I have her attention

and the moments when I have her presence

when the universe allows us to exist together

When I get to hear the melody of her voice

And I have been called crazy and much worse

And I take it all for I know my goal is what most people struggle to find all their lives

And when I feel I have a shot at it, I shall go after it with all I have

Because it takes the greatest sacrifice to find my soul

I do care for her beyond rationality, and wish her to have everything she has ever hoped for

I don’t mind if I’m not a part of her future, I want to know that she has found hers

And when you find that you don’t stop, even when they call you crazy, especially then!

For this is not some other disposable thing not worth fighting for, this is love

And I give you my word to take care of you through all your storms

for I see the your silver lining in each of them

I have seen you waiting for your rainbow

And I wish to sprinkle some rain

And angels can’t feel the wind on their faces

till they choose to fall

For from this moment and beyond

I shall love you as much as I can as long as I can

And we shall sit together by the ocean

Under the stars watching the moonlit waves

holding you close, and I shall know

That the road was long and weary, but in the end

We made it

Vishal Gupta

14^th May 2018