23 August, 2018

Prestige

I never meant to fall for you, not so fast, not so hard
And I wouldn’t have, had it not been for you
For every time I had the chance of a little talk with you,
Somehow I ended up feeling more
Every time, I felt your eyes over my works
I understood why God had intended me to be a poet
For if the purpose of their existence, was to be read by you
They have met their purpose
for everytime I know you’re lips smile because of my words
I know my words have served me well

Your smile, I was never one to fall for physical beauty
Your soul was what I fell for first
Again, I didn’t mean to, I’ve been through enough heartbreaks
Enough to know that I know very little about you
Enough to know that making myself vulnerable too early was a big mistake
But what is love if not to make yourself vulnerable

If I were to be honest with my own heart
I know I need to give to you its command
I know making myself vulnerable again probably will hurt me again
But something tells me it’s worth the pain, if it comes from you
For I do not want to tell you I kind-of like you (as I did in the past. Apologies)
But I was honest then and am honest now
Once, you were a girl whom I just wanted to know better
Today, you are the constant looming thought on my mind
I know not why I feel so, what is it about you which attracts me so
But I know I find the strength to like myself when I talk to you
I know I find the smile I’d lost long ago, when I think of you
They say marry someone you can hold conversations with
If it were to be true, I’d spare no moment to be closer to you

Yet closeness is a precarious little devil, for we have little time
For we are always away, for we have hardly met but twice
Yet, if you were to be close to me now, I’d hug you and not let go
If I were able to touch you now, I’d hold you ever so close

I smile, I know not if I have went too far
I do always make the mistake of falling too hard and too fast
Everytime, slamming into rock bottom
Recovering each time, with more difficulty than the last
Finding harder to trust, with each fall
I don’t even know if someone else awaits the warmth of your embrace
Know not I what you think of me, if at all
But I remember the time when a drizzle had come in our way
The night when we could have met last
I remember telling you that was the first time I disliked the rain
I remember you responding in kind
If I were to have that moment back, I’d have not cared about the monsoon fall
But alas! Time waits for no one and returns for no one
And alas time is what short of I am
For I have hardly a window of a month and a half, power packed
When both of us would face testing times
When decisions will be made, not all of them right
Heck, I don’t even know what you expect from life
So I ask myself, what do I know if I claim to love this girl?

I tell myself, I know a girl who dares to honestly smile
A girl, not shy of dreaming big and speaking her mind
Someone who dares to embody Rand, but keeps Ahern in her heart
A girl who loves to touch history with her own hands
and told me she’d like a companion who would understand
Someone who is looking for a companion in life
And makes me afraid of the grand thought that her hand could be mine

And who am I to dream so high?
A simple boy with big dreams
Who writes poetry and dreams to hold the love of his life in his arms
Who does not quite understand this girl, but knows he can trust
Who knows he has jumped into a pit, and awaits the fall
Who dreams to hold your hand once, even if it is the only time
For I tried so hard not to fall in love with you
But without giving you this power, I could never have been true

Now I wish, to accompany you on your journeys
To share my stories with yours, and make some new ones with you
Scared I am, more than you can know
For I am a man dangerous, pain who can endure
I know what it is to love, and to lose
I know what it is to love, and never have found
But the one thing I know not is what you think
Neither do you compliment my advances
Nor you back them down
You say I remind you of a hopeless romantic
You blush when I pay a compliment
You want to know how you make me feel?

I wish I could come running to you right now
To spend those few extra moments with you
Lest they might not last
To spend a little more time with you
Lest, we might not last
Lest some young prince steals you afar
For we might be in the chase phase right now
But in future our ship will see waves low and high
And it is the strength of our bond which will sink or sail us through
But I think not of that far
I think I wish you were here, for with you, I become a better man
With you, I become what I know I am meant to be

And if all my past, my heartbreaks and yelps
My cries in the dark my panics in loneliness
My struggles my despairs
My poetry my mind
If all my life was a journey to reach you
I regret none of it
For if you are the one whom I was meant to reach
And walk together thereon
I can patiently wait knowing you’ll be there for me
If, I know you’ll be there

Else I know hurt I will be
More than I am prepared for
But I know life goes on and I too will move on
And perhaps someday I will know why we did not work
But hell! I wish we do, for tired I am of this endless loneliness
And yes, I never expected to fall for someone who cares what her shoes look like
But this is something I hope you do not blame me for
I did not choose to fall for you
Like I cannot blame you to not fall in love with me

After all, all you’ve seen is my glory and my angelic side
You know not of the baggage I endure
You know nothing of my darker side
As I know not of yours
But I feel whatever it is, I could give you a hand
I see a deep ocean over the surface of your smile
I wish you’d allow me to swim in that

            ***

A teacher we share, love for whom we both bear
It is the love you possess for her which makes me trust you
For she was the one who conquered pain, fear and guilt
She was the one who sanctioned the victim in my soul
As she did to yours
You know me to be a patient man
And with all calm I possess I wait for you
Subduing the storm in my heart
On some days, I feel my pounding heart is to explode
Simply because I see your name yet no words from you
But I mean neither to cling nor to disrupt
For I trust you shall reply when you find the time
And I trust that you will find the time when you can
Yet sometimes, waiting for you is all I can do
And patience is all I meet it with

We both have learnt the lesson of sanction too well
Both, never guilty, having no regrets
We have both cherished our lives’ accomplishments
and learnt from each mistake
Even today, when I see your proud smile
I know there’s a face with no guilt or shame
Just pride, I wish I could imbibe

But fear, the answer to fear is in neither patience nor pride
The answer to fear comes not from within, but outside
Yes, a man can be brave when he is afraid
But that still is not the answer to fear
The answer to fear, my dear, is found in learning
And it is that which makes me afraid
For I am scared, I might be missing a piece of the puzzle
Something I must know about you, but do not
and every day, the fear haunts me
and every hour of your silence, engulfs me further
For it is the unspoken words which come to haunt us
And there’s a lot unspoken, between the two of us
and I mean not to offend you with my questions
I just wish you understand, that what might come across as jealousy
is simply the fear of losing you

Another fear I possess is of the future unknown
even if I were to earn your love today, what would keep it tomorrow?
What would happen when I fall on harder times, as I invariably will
what happens when five years hence,
I’d be someone completely different from whom you met
Time changes us, and time changes relationships
A relation has a life of its own
Wild when young, unsure growing up
Unsure, all its life, prone to the littlest of fights
I do not know when we start our careers, if you’d be moving faster than me
I know not if that would be the case all our lives
I know not if I even want to settle down, or wander the world till I can any more
There’s much I’m unsure about my own life
so how can I say I’ll love you for the rest of my life
How can I be sure of your love for mine?

But I understand that’s the risk we have to take
If we want to feel that love divine
For what is love if not to make yourself vulnerable
I might try hard to build a life comfortable for you
But the aim will always be to spend time with you
Time, ever-elusive never-returning
The only real asset we will ever possess
I don’t know if we will live a harsher life
I don’t know if that you’ll mind
But I know the aim of life, is time, with you

Often, I have dreamed of us together
often, I’ve wondered what might it be like
and I always picture you, in my arms
Comfortably reading your favorite words
And me, the same but on a different book
Because I know you won’t trust me with your books
I might claim to suit your life, but I’ll never earn the trust of your books
And so, I get to hold you and not them
But I cherish what I have and I smile
For I hope you understand this and I say this with all my heart
it’s would have been one thing if I wanted to just sleep with you
One thing, I don’t judge but I can’t imagine
For when I picture us together
I see myself waking up next to you
Waking to the sight of your lovely sleeping face
And think to myself, there’s nothing which can go wrong in this day
I wish to be woken up by your embrace
And know, a bright new morning awaits my day

Yes, I know it’s difficult to build trust at this point
For hardly do we know each other
You, not beyond my poems
me, not beyond your books
But I think your books define you as much as my poems do
And I trust you to be honest with me, as I am with you
and to trust easily is a weakness I possess
but the alternative is far more horrific for my consideration
For I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all
And I know I might be on the path to my fall
But this is my choice, the fruit or brunt of which I must endure
For what are we if not the results of our choices
It is not what I think within which makes me who I am
it is what my choices are
As it is yours
And so, I choose to trust, as I have and as I shall
until one day, I can’t any more
And then, I fall
But till then, life goes on and time does not stop
And I hope to scrape some life from these moments
Time will tell if it’s glory or a lesson
Or will I be impaired to never rise again
But till then, life goes on

            ***     

And as I sit wondering how to end this long ballad
I wonder what you’ll think upon reading it
I wish I can look at you whilst you read it
As Lady Antebellum’s words ring through my thoughts
“And I wonder if I ever cross your mind”
And I know I am spending too much time thinking of you
Something I’m trying to help myself not to do
For if I am to be worthy of your soul deep,
there are still miles to go before I sleep
And on that note I take your leave
Very soon, I know you shall know of the secrets my exploding heart keeps

Vishal Gupta
14th October, 2014
Cleveland