I never meant to fall
for you, not so fast, not so hard
And I wouldn’t have,
had it not been for you
For every time I had the
chance of a little talk with you,
Somehow I ended up
feeling more
Every time, I felt
your eyes over my works
I understood why God
had intended me to be a poet
For if the purpose of
their existence, was to be read by you
They have met their
purpose
for everytime I know
you’re lips smile because of my words
I know my words have
served me well
Your smile, I was
never one to fall for physical beauty
Your soul was what I
fell for first
Again, I didn’t mean
to, I’ve been through enough heartbreaks
Enough to know that I
know very little about you
Enough to know that
making myself vulnerable too early was a big mistake
But what is love if not to make yourself vulnerable
If I were to be honest
with my own heart
I know I need to give
to you its command
I know making myself
vulnerable again probably will hurt me again
But something tells me
it’s worth the pain, if it comes from you
For I do not want to
tell you I kind-of like you (as I did in the past. Apologies)
But I was honest then
and am honest now
Once, you were a girl
whom I just wanted to know better
Today, you are the
constant looming thought on my mind
I know not why I feel
so, what is it about you which attracts me so
But I know I find the
strength to like myself when I talk to you
I know I find the
smile I’d lost long ago, when I think of you
They say marry someone
you can hold conversations with
If it were to be true,
I’d spare no moment to be closer to you
Yet closeness is a
precarious little devil, for we have little time
For we are always
away, for we have hardly met but twice
Yet, if you were to be
close to me now, I’d hug you and not let go
If I were able to touch
you now, I’d hold you ever so close
I smile, I know not if
I have went too far
I do always make the
mistake of falling too hard and too fast
Everytime, slamming
into rock bottom
Recovering each time,
with more difficulty than the last
Finding harder to
trust, with each fall
I don’t even know if
someone else awaits the warmth of your embrace
Know not I what you
think of me, if at all
But I remember the
time when a drizzle had come in our way
The night when we
could have met last
I remember telling you
that was the first time I disliked the rain
I remember you
responding in kind
If I were to have that
moment back, I’d have not cared about the monsoon fall
But alas! Time waits
for no one and returns for no one
And alas time is what
short of I am
For I have hardly a
window of a month and a half, power packed
When both of us would
face testing times
When decisions will be
made, not all of them right
Heck, I don’t even
know what you expect from life
So I ask myself, what
do I know if I claim to love this girl?
I tell myself, I know
a girl who dares to honestly smile
A girl, not shy of
dreaming big and speaking her mind
Someone who dares to
embody Rand, but keeps Ahern in her heart
A girl who loves to
touch history with her own hands
and told me she’d like
a companion who would understand
Someone who is looking
for a companion in life
And makes me afraid of
the grand thought that her hand could be mine
And who am I to dream
so high?
A simple boy with big
dreams
Who writes poetry and
dreams to hold the love of his life in his arms
Who does not quite
understand this girl, but knows he can trust
Who knows he has
jumped into a pit, and awaits the fall
Who dreams to hold
your hand once, even if it is the only time
For I tried so hard
not to fall in love with you
But without giving you
this power, I could never have been true
Now I wish, to
accompany you on your journeys
To share my stories
with yours, and make some new ones with you
Scared I am, more than
you can know
For I am a man
dangerous, pain who can endure
I know what it is to
love, and to lose
I know what it is to
love, and never have found
But the one thing I
know not is what you think
Neither do you
compliment my advances
Nor you back them down
You say I remind you
of a hopeless romantic
You blush when I pay a
compliment
You want to know how
you make me feel?
I wish I could come
running to you right now
To spend those few
extra moments with you
Lest they might not
last
To spend a little more
time with you
Lest, we might not
last
Lest some young prince
steals you afar
For we might be in the
chase phase right now
But in future our ship
will see waves low and high
And it is the strength
of our bond which will sink or sail us through
But I think not of
that far
I think I wish you
were here, for with you, I become a better man
With you, I become
what I know I am meant to be
And if all my past, my
heartbreaks and yelps
My cries in the dark
my panics in loneliness
My struggles my
despairs
My poetry my mind
If all my life was a
journey to reach you
I regret none of it
For if you are the one
whom I was meant to reach
And walk together
thereon
I can patiently wait
knowing you’ll be there for me
If, I know you’ll be
there
Else I know hurt I
will be
More than I am
prepared for
But I know life goes
on and I too will move on
And perhaps someday I
will know why we did not work
But hell! I wish we
do, for tired I am of this endless loneliness
And yes, I never
expected to fall for someone who cares what her shoes look like
But this is something
I hope you do not blame me for
I did not choose to
fall for you
Like I cannot blame
you to not fall in love with me
After all, all you’ve
seen is my glory and my angelic side
You know not of the
baggage I endure
You know nothing of my
darker side
As I know not of yours
But I feel whatever it
is, I could give you a hand
I see a deep ocean
over the surface of your smile
I wish you’d allow me
to swim in that
***
A teacher we share,
love for whom we both bear
It is the love you
possess for her which makes me trust you
For she was the one who
conquered pain, fear and guilt
She was the one who
sanctioned the victim in my soul
As she did to yours
You know me to be a
patient man
And with all calm I
possess I wait for you
Subduing the storm in
my heart
On some days, I feel
my pounding heart is to explode
Simply because I see
your name yet no words from you
But I mean neither to
cling nor to disrupt
For I trust you shall
reply when you find the time
And I trust that you
will find the time when you can
Yet sometimes, waiting
for you is all I can do
And patience is all I
meet it with
We both have learnt
the lesson of sanction too well
Both, never guilty,
having no regrets
We have both cherished
our lives’ accomplishments
and learnt from each
mistake
Even today, when I see
your proud smile
I know there’s a face
with no guilt or shame
Just pride, I wish I
could imbibe
But fear, the answer
to fear is in neither patience nor pride
The answer to fear
comes not from within, but outside
Yes, a man can be
brave when he is afraid
But that still is not
the answer to fear
The answer to fear, my
dear, is found in learning
And it is that which
makes me afraid
For I am scared, I
might be missing a piece of the puzzle
Something I must know
about you, but do not
and every day, the
fear haunts me
and every hour of your
silence, engulfs me further
For it is the unspoken words which come to haunt us
And there’s a lot
unspoken, between the two of us
and I mean not to
offend you with my questions
I just wish you
understand, that what might come across as jealousy
is simply the fear of
losing you
Another fear I possess
is of the future unknown
even if I were to earn
your love today, what would keep it tomorrow?
What would happen when
I fall on harder times, as I invariably will
what happens when five
years hence,
I’d be someone
completely different from whom you met
Time changes us, and
time changes relationships
A relation has a life
of its own
Wild when young,
unsure growing up
Unsure, all its life,
prone to the littlest of fights
I do not know when we
start our careers, if you’d be moving faster than me
I know not if that
would be the case all our lives
I know not if I even
want to settle down, or wander the world till I can any more
There’s much I’m
unsure about my own life
so how can I say I’ll
love you for the rest of my life
How can I be sure of
your love for mine?
But I understand
that’s the risk we have to take
If we want to feel
that love divine
For what is love if not to make yourself vulnerable
I might try hard to
build a life comfortable for you
But the aim will
always be to spend time with you
Time, ever-elusive
never-returning
The only real asset we
will ever possess
I don’t know if we
will live a harsher life
I don’t know if that
you’ll mind
But I know the aim of
life, is time, with you
Often, I have dreamed
of us together
often, I’ve wondered
what might it be like
and I always picture
you, in my arms
Comfortably reading
your favorite words
And me, the same but
on a different book
Because I know you
won’t trust me with your books
I might claim to suit
your life, but I’ll never earn the trust of your books
And so, I get to hold
you and not them
But I cherish what I
have and I smile
For I hope you
understand this and I say this with all my heart
it’s would have been
one thing if I wanted to just sleep with you
One thing, I don’t
judge but I can’t imagine
For when I picture us
together
I see myself waking up
next to you
Waking to the sight of
your lovely sleeping face
And think to myself,
there’s nothing which can go wrong in this day
I wish to be woken up
by your embrace
And know, a bright new
morning awaits my day
Yes, I know it’s
difficult to build trust at this point
For hardly do we know
each other
You, not beyond my
poems
me, not beyond your
books
But I think your books
define you as much as my poems do
And I trust you to be
honest with me, as I am with you
and to trust easily is
a weakness I possess
but the alternative is
far more horrific for my consideration
For I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all
And I know I might be
on the path to my fall
But this is my choice,
the fruit or brunt of which I must endure
For what are we if not
the results of our choices
It is not what I think
within which makes me who I am
it is what my choices
are
As it is yours
And so, I choose to
trust, as I have and as I shall
until one day, I can’t
any more
And then, I fall
But till then, life
goes on and time does not stop
And I hope to scrape
some life from these moments
Time will tell if it’s
glory or a lesson
Or will I be impaired
to never rise again
But till then, life
goes on
***
And as I sit wondering
how to end this long ballad
I wonder what you’ll
think upon reading it
I wish I can look at
you whilst you read it
As Lady Antebellum’s
words ring through my thoughts
“And I wonder if I ever cross your mind”
And I know I am
spending too much time thinking of you
Something I’m trying
to help myself not to do
For if I am to be
worthy of your soul deep,
there are still miles to go before I sleep
And on that note I
take your leave
Very soon, I know you
shall know of the secrets my exploding heart keeps
Vishal Gupta
14th October, 2014
Cleveland
