Depression

All of us have suffered through sadness at some point or the other in our lives. Be it the death of a close family member, or a heartbreak, or failure in academics, or a bad boss, pain-in-the-ass kids, or simply the constructs of our own mind. Thing is, sadness hits everyone and everyone has a coping mechanism. Shopping, drinking, eating, sleeping, talking to a friend, sports… different things help us cope up with our emotions. But what if it goes unchecked? If we have problems in dealing with the sadness, it leads to depression. Depression isn’t exactly sadness. Sadness is a passing emotion. Depression is a constant state of being. To mark the difference, note that the funniest people around you might be the most depressed within. Humor is a coping mechanism for depression.

I have been going through a bout myself recently, and would like to share how it is. Like a person having cold doesn’t constantly sneeze, I am not constantly sad. I just fall in and out of extreme sadness spontaneously. When that hits, life slows down and becomes empty. People tell me I look at least 35, while I’m 24 right now. I constantly talk, joke, and mull about the despairs and hopelessness in the world. I usually hold back from generally accepted “fun” activities outdoors. My appetite has taken a hit. My memory, with which I once learnt the colors of all inorganic chemicals in the world, has taken a hit. I can’t seem to be able to concentrate on anything anymore. There is an apparent lack of confidence in social gatherings. And I never want to talk about what is wrong me, on the fear of being judged.

So, I pretend to be happy and excited about anything and everything. But keeping that up is a challenge and soon I start to say offensive stuff around close ones. It becomes very easy to irritate me and slowly I shove people away from myself. I find it difficult to love and care for anyone, not finding pleasure in emotional or physical intimacy. Mornings are generally dull and sad. I often put off sleeping at night just because I know that another day lies on the other end. It’s not being sad any more. It’s being indifferent.

 

Unchecked depression grows and more difficult to hide. Slowly, it becomes easier to stay depressed rather than spending the energy to fight it. I haven’t started yet but the next step is taking “medications” such as alcohol and drugs without an intent to put off depression.

Sadly, there is no real medication which helps fight depression. Things which usually work are being genuine and authentic to close ones – which is difficult for me detached from a family or friend circle. Meditation is also a big help, which is very difficult in the beginning. Because during depression the mind craves for noise and distraction, and never wants to be empty. But only the empty mind can experience the tranquility needed to subdue depression. Regular exercise such as running, swimming, sports, etc. is another great aid against depression. Again, moving out of the house for me is another big chore.

People often give me advice like “be happy” and “cheer up”. They don’t understand that this is a really shitty piece of advice. Like, they’ll say, “be happy” and I’ll be like “damn! That’s awesome! Why didn’t I think of that?” What they don’t understand is that depression is like any other medical problem and it physically hurts, often to a point where you feel that the human body was not meant for so much pain. Often, I’d have anxiety attacks where the world would go black and I’d suddenly go into a panting sprint. It happens suddenly. Like I’d be walking down the road and suddenly I’d start heaving, and I know that it’s hit. My breathing would become shallow and my brain would stop working and the only thing I’d be able to do in that moment would be to concentrate on breathing. Find a bench, chair, or sit on the road side and just breathe till I get back to “normal.” Everyday tasks such as making breakfast or doing the dishes becomes a challenge. Life grows boring, like a 10 season show on Star Plus you have absolutely no interest in. And for the unproductive time I was wasting, I felt guilty. Mirrors become a problem. I started hating the face I saw in the mirror. I hated every breath that I took. The future becomes hazy and it becomes difficult to plan events for me.

Depression hinders with the sleep schedule. It can seriously mess it up. Over time I’ve experienced insomnia (not being able to sleep), hypersomnia (sleeping too much and not wanting to leave the bed), sleep paralysis (the closest thing you’ll ever experience to death), and lucid dreaming (not bad, but shouldn’t happen unintentionally among normal people).

People often respond by explaining “real problems” to me. How kids are starving in Africa (somehow it always starts with that), or how they faced real struggle of poverty and starvation in “their time”. Somehow this is supposed to make me feel better, as my problems aren’t marginally as bad as theirs were. People tell the dumbest things. As if they have the right to decide what I should be depressed about. It doesn’t help, but only adds to the guilt. It basically leads to a state of loneliness and helplessness, with no recourse.

So what do you do in such a state? The first step to solving a problem is acknowledging that it exists. It takes an immense amount of courage to be able to say to yourself, “I’m depressed. I need help.” You need to say it to yourself. And then you need to say it to someone else. “Happiness is within yourself.” That’s bullshit. Happiness is within you only as long as you’re happy. Else it’s a struggle. Get help. Get a friend. Get your family.

There isn’t really much advice I have for the people who are depressed. But for those of us who aren’t, I need to say this. We live in an increasingly depressed world full of competition and crowds that make one feel very lonely. Look out for signs if a co-worker or family member or friend might be depressed. Call upon any friend you haven’t heard for in a long time. Connect! Perhaps you can save someone.

A Moment Frozen In Time

Silent echoes of a moment frozen in time

Beckon to me memories left behind

What werest thou, O love of mine

Were you my bane of existence

or were you my shrine

Never before hath I loved so wild

never had I ever fallen so blind

never hath my senses abandoned me so

never could I ever have loved you O more

Remembering the time, when your skin was on mine

Looking deep in your eyes, I could see them smile

Angel face that yours, invited me to glare

Flesh, thoughts, soul, had all I bared

That soft touch of your gentle lips

The sound of your heartbeats, their rises and dips

Your raspberry voice you calling my name

My gentle caresses, to please my dame

Memories, reappearing like the morning dew

of nights when I fell asleep against you

or of the fights we used to have

come to think of it, they weren’t so bad

My princess you were, my angel my queen

my Goth my love my days my dreams

My first thought of the day, my last goodnight

My light in the dark, my will to fight

For I never grew tired of that pretty face of yours

Like a personification of beauty as Keats wrote

Yet your strength was what I admired the most

So much in beauty, but not a bit otiose

For each time you were hurt

you came out stronger than before

for every time I saw you bleed

I couldn’t help but kiss you more

And each of those kisses today

haunt me as reminders of days that were

And I think of times when I truly lived

and of times that never truly were

Glowing soft gentle skin of yours

I yearn to graze and gaze it both

Muzzle, supple, graceful motions

to calm sleep of magical potions

Silent frozen echoes beckon

Haunting me at dusk and dawn

And as I stand at the Reaper’s entrance

I ask if you my bane of existence

or were you my deliverance

Vishal Gupta

5 April 2016

Mumbai

A Morning in Mingora

Malala woke up in her bed to another cold morning. She was tempted to hit the snooze button, but thought better of it. After all, one of the sisters had to appreciate the gift of life, as her parents did when they named her after the Englishwoman, Malala who had dedicated her life for education in her native country. Since then a lot had changed. Malala, inspired from her namesake childhood heroine, took up a career in education. During her Bachelors she realized for the first time how the internet had revolutionized education in the past half-century. For the first time, she gave a thought to the possibility of the world without computers. She’d come to believe that mankind went straight from the stone-age to her era. She’d heard stories, but she could never appreciate them till she delved into what she did best – study it. Malala took up a Master’s in history with a particular emphasis on evolution of education and the internet. She was somewhat amused to find that terrorists such as Taliban and ISIS of the early-21^st century, who had almost impaired the progress of the world and had looked on the brink of world-domination, were immobilized by a bunch of anonymous kids with an internet connection. As serious it might be, she never failed to smile while thinking about it.

Malala cycled off to the university. She could live here all her life. In fact, she did. Since the age of 16, her daily life comprised of visiting different universities in Pakistan earning accolades wherever she went. She spent 2 years at the University of Peshawar, when she first had to choose (or choose not to choose) where she wanted to go in her life. Till then all students like her went to school to log into Aristotle, a digital software which gave students all-over the world basic education in social sciences, languages, mathematics, and basic sciences while identifying general areas of interest for the students. At times students chose not to go with Aristotle’s recommendations, choosing the path less taken. For Malala, it had been a marriage made in heaven. Yet Malala wanted to tread the water before jumping in. She completed high-school studying mathematics and social-studies but realized early on that calculus was not her cup of tea. 2 years later, she gladly deleted all mathematical formulae from her phablet and continued on with understanding how the mind learns. She was impressed to see there existed geniuses who understood exactly how the human mind responded to learning. She wondered if she could ever be one of them. But till then, she enjoyed what she was doing. Her parents often said that one doesn’t get to do what they enjoy doing for a lifetime. She did not understand that. In her world, everyone ended up doing what they wished for. And of course there were those who never figured it out. For them, the economy defined their interests. But most of Malala’s friends had become what they had set out for.

Malala reached the university. Times had changed since her schooldays. Now she did not need to sit in front of her assigned computer. She could now bring in her own phablet and work on any of the couches she liked. She loved the pink round one which looked like a beehive. It gave her a sense of seclusion from the world. She’d have loved to stay at home, near her mother while she tried to figure out the flaws in the current computer system of education. But there were resources which she could only access from within the campus bounds. She thought about how education had changed in the last century and wondered how long such bounds would remain. There was a time when a human teacher would gather students and teach them unprotected under the elements of nature. Education had seen a lot of experimentation and change since then but with time the bad practices had simply – died. The world simply killed any system which did not add value to the students. Universities like Harvard and Lahore, which chose to change with the needs of the times could survive. Most were left in dust in the wake of online videos available on the internet free of cost. Yet when it came to higher education and specializations, parents still thought of sending their kids to universities. Her dad used to say, ‘it’s not the knowledge I’m paying for. It’s the piece of paper you’ll get.’ Malala didn’t agree to the thought completely, but maybe her dad was right. Or maybe it was one of those thoughts which would die with the changing times.

Schools now did not employ an array of teachers. Only a few specialists who could answer questions for students who needed a human touch. Malala knew their days were numbered. Soon Aristotle would become good enough to render schools teacher-less and teachers would be confined to sharing knowledge not to students directly but through a technological medium. Not that anyone minded though. Schools anyway had become a hub of sports and social interaction where the focus lay on teaching children civic morality and social interaction, something few believed Aristotle would ever be able to do. Fewer believed that schools were even necessary. There were better ways to teach students about living in the world while staying at home. But Malala knew schools would never go out. It was not just the learning environment which they provided.

Malala’s school took 7 hours of her time during the day. Time, which her mother used to live her own life. A few years ago her mother had told her that women’s life earlier came to a standstill when their children were born. Specially those whose children didn’t go to school. As much as she loved Malala, she was afraid that after Malala was born, she could never pursue her dreams again. Today she was writing her 3^rd novel. None of the other 2 got published on any website, but she was happy that her mother was trying. Malala had read those. She knew her mother’s work would end up on one of the blogs every writer used and no reader read. But it gave her mother solace and that gave Malala solace.

Gathering her thoughts back Malala realized that she had to start reading now. It was high time and there was work which needed to be done. The noon sun reflected on her phablet, as she turned it on. Today was going to be a good day, she thought.

The Intelligent Investor – Book Review

The Intelligent Investor is not an easy book. I had wanted to read “The Intelligent Investor” in quick succession with Graham’s original masterpiece – “Security Analysis”. Now that I have completed the former, I have no strength to go to the latter – at least not anytime soon.

But then I am reminded that Graham was not meant to be an extraordinary writer. He was not known for the flair of his pen but the weight of his thoughts. It is generous of him to share his knowledge with the world as a teacher. Perhaps he was a better teacher in the classroom. But the concepts of investing he shares remain the same. It does help that the book is supplemented with commentary by Jason Zweig who makes the material easy for naïve readers such as myself. The book cannot be called complete for the 21^st century without Jason Zweig’s commentary.

Time and again, the book throws jewels of wisdom by Graham’s quirks. Even if you forget everything else in the book, those few lines by Graham are never going to leave their mark on you.

‘In 44 years of Wall Street experience and study, I have never seen dependable calculations made about common-stock values, or related investment policies, that went beyond simple arithmetic or the most elementary algebra. Whenever calculus is brought in, or higher algebra, you could take it as a warning signal that the operator was trying to substitute theory for experience, and usually also to give to speculation the deceptive guise of investment.’

Graham makes it a point to repeatedly lay out the differences between “speculation” and “investment”. He calls out modern day investors for treating the stock market as a video game. Constantly and consistently, he advises to shift the focus to “value-based investing” where the Intelligent Investor invests on the basis of the underlying value of the company rather than its growth potential and stock trends. Of course this means that Graham is a traditional investor who refuses to see the growth potential of many modern-day start-ups and businesses which rely mostly on intangible assets. But that was his risk appetite. Considering the  records of his companies and his students, I am inclined to follow his path.

‘Buying a bond only for its yield is like getting married only for the sex. If the thing that attracted you in the first place dries up you’ll find yourself asking, “What else is there?” When the answer is “Nothing,” spouses and bondholders alike end up with broken hearts.’

Graham addresses individual securities from stocks, mutual funds, bonds, options, futures, and goes in a unique in-depth analysis avoiding any higher maths. The most he asks you to calculate are simple ratios like Current Ratio, Debt-Equity ratio, and Price-to-earnings ratio. Graham argues that the best investing decisions should be easy to understand. If you don’t understand it simply, it’s probably not a good idea to invest in it.

Graham also calls out the modern “growth-stocks” in his quirky way.

‘If the definition of a growth stock is that it will thrive in the future, then it is not a definition at all, but wishful thinking. It’s like calling a sports team “the champions” before the season is over.’

I think it is pertinent to list down some of Graham’s underlying investment ideologies in this review. Of course this cannot match with the kind of structured thinking and discipline Graham tries to bring forth in his book and by listing these I run the risk of giving out half-knowledge. Some would even say that this is sacred knowledge which should not be shared with the world lest it distorts the stock market forever. But as Warren Buffet says, Graham’s principles have been out there for over 50 years now and the masses refuse to take note. There is something about human nature which begs to speculate. And in that tussle, the Intelligent Investor emerges as the victor.

Stock selection for the Defensive Investor

1.      Annual revenue for the last 3 years should be at least $ 100 Mn

2.      Asset Base should be at least $ 50 Mn

3.      Current Ratio should be at least 2.0

4.      Long Term Debt should be equal or lesser than Net Current Assets

5.      Debt-Equity Ratio should stay below 2

6.      There should be Profits after tax for the last 10 years

7.      The company should have a positive dividend history for at least 20 years

8.      Averaged out for 3 years, the earnings per share should have grown by 33% in the last 10 years

9.      Price-to-earnings ratio should stay below 15

10.  The Market Value should be not more than 1.5 times but not less than the Book Value of the Equity

Stock selection for the Intelligent Investor

1.      The Market Value should not be less than the Book Value of the Equity

2.      The Market Value should not be less than the Net Current Assets

Principles by Warren Buffet

1.      Look for a strong brand

2.      The business should be easy to understand

3.      The company should have a good financial health

4.      The company should have a near-monopoly in its sector

5.      Go through the annual reports to see if the managers sound realistic. Have they achieved their stated targets in the past

6.      Look for companies growing organically rather than through mergers and acquisitions

7.      Look for good capital allocation

8.      Managerial remuneration and stock options should be low

9.      The management should have a good reputation

10.  Wait for a time when the company or the sector it hit with a scandal or an adverse news

11.  Risk (what analysts fondly call “beta”) measures the volatility of the stock. Not the value of the business

12.  Buy a share based on the value of the company. Try to buy a 1 dollar bill for 40 cents

13.  Invest in a business. Not a stock

14.  Buying $ 83 for $ 80 is as good as having no margin at all. Buy $ 80 for $ 40. Have wide margins

2 Profound questions to ask before any investment

1.      What is the probability of me being right?

2.      How will I react to the consequences of being wrong?

3.      The reaction to consequences should always be given priority over the probabilities

Other Tools for Identification

1.      Identify sectors going through 52 week lows. Note that Graham mentions “sectors” and not “stocks”. Diversification is the key here. Sectors are more likely to get back up or entirely transform rather than individual stocks which are performing poorly within the sector

2.      The Finance Costs should not exceed 1/5^th of the Profit before tax and 1/2.9 times the Profit after tax

3.      Identify people’s spending patterns to see what is upcoming in the market. Buy companies which make what you need, use, and understand

I realize this little article in no way does justice to Graham’s teachings. If my article made any impact on you, I’d urge you to go read the book yourself. I daresay I might not have grasped Graham’s wisdom in its entirety. But in all fairness, it was only the first time that I’ve read this book. I’m sure there will be a second.

किस्सा बना

बहकता सा जाम

नशे में है शाम

बातें हैं ये बेपरवाही की

अब ये रात सो ना पाएगी

किस्सा बना, कहानी बनी

हर मोड़ पे, निशानी बनी

किस्सा बना, कहानी बनी

हर मोड़ पे, निशानी बनी

दोनो मिले, उनकी ठनी

के हम ये बात सुनायें

बहकता सा जाम

नशे में है शाम

बातें हैं ये बेपरवाही की

अब ये रात सो ना पाएगी

दिल ना मिले, नज़रें मिली

लव ना मिले, बातें बनी

दिल ना मिले, नज़रें मिली

लव ना मिले, बातें बनी

बातों में ये कहानी बनी,

उन दोनो की रवानी बनी

बहकता सा जाम

नशे में है शाम

बातें हैं ये बेपरवाही की

अब ये रात सो ना पाएगी

सुबह हुई, शामें हुई

शामों से फिर, रातें मिली

सुबह हुई, शामें हुई

शामों से फिर, रातें मिली

पर उन बिन ना रातें कटी

लो हम चलें, उनकी गली

बहकता सा जाम

नशे में है शाम

बातें हैं ये बेपरवाही की

अब ये रात सो ना पाएगी

विशाल गुप्ता