Depression

All of us have suffered through sadness at some point or the other in our lives. Be it the death of a close family member, or a heartbreak, or failure in academics, or a bad boss, pain-in-the-ass kids, or simply the constructs of our own mind. Thing is, sadness hits everyone and everyone has a coping mechanism. Shopping, drinking, eating, sleeping, talking to a friend, sports… different things help us cope up with our emotions. But what if it goes unchecked? If we have problems in dealing with the sadness, it leads to depression. Depression isn’t exactly sadness. Sadness is a passing emotion. Depression is a constant state of being. To mark the difference, note that the funniest people around you might be the most depressed within. Humor is a coping mechanism for depression.

I have been going through a bout myself recently, and would like to share how it is. Like a person having cold doesn’t constantly sneeze, I am not constantly sad. I just fall in and out of extreme sadness spontaneously. When that hits, life slows down and becomes empty. People tell me I look at least 35, while I’m 24 right now. I constantly talk, joke, and mull about the despairs and hopelessness in the world. I usually hold back from generally accepted “fun” activities outdoors. My appetite has taken a hit. My memory, with which I once learnt the colors of all inorganic chemicals in the world, has taken a hit. I can’t seem to be able to concentrate on anything anymore. There is an apparent lack of confidence in social gatherings. And I never want to talk about what is wrong me, on the fear of being judged.

So, I pretend to be happy and excited about anything and everything. But keeping that up is a challenge and soon I start to say offensive stuff around close ones. It becomes very easy to irritate me and slowly I shove people away from myself. I find it difficult to love and care for anyone, not finding pleasure in emotional or physical intimacy. Mornings are generally dull and sad. I often put off sleeping at night just because I know that another day lies on the other end. It’s not being sad any more. It’s being indifferent.

 

Unchecked depression grows and more difficult to hide. Slowly, it becomes easier to stay depressed rather than spending the energy to fight it. I haven’t started yet but the next step is taking “medications” such as alcohol and drugs without an intent to put off depression.

Sadly, there is no real medication which helps fight depression. Things which usually work are being genuine and authentic to close ones – which is difficult for me detached from a family or friend circle. Meditation is also a big help, which is very difficult in the beginning. Because during depression the mind craves for noise and distraction, and never wants to be empty. But only the empty mind can experience the tranquility needed to subdue depression. Regular exercise such as running, swimming, sports, etc. is another great aid against depression. Again, moving out of the house for me is another big chore.

People often give me advice like “be happy” and “cheer up”. They don’t understand that this is a really shitty piece of advice. Like, they’ll say, “be happy” and I’ll be like “damn! That’s awesome! Why didn’t I think of that?” What they don’t understand is that depression is like any other medical problem and it physically hurts, often to a point where you feel that the human body was not meant for so much pain. Often, I’d have anxiety attacks where the world would go black and I’d suddenly go into a panting sprint. It happens suddenly. Like I’d be walking down the road and suddenly I’d start heaving, and I know that it’s hit. My breathing would become shallow and my brain would stop working and the only thing I’d be able to do in that moment would be to concentrate on breathing. Find a bench, chair, or sit on the road side and just breathe till I get back to “normal.” Everyday tasks such as making breakfast or doing the dishes becomes a challenge. Life grows boring, like a 10 season show on Star Plus you have absolutely no interest in. And for the unproductive time I was wasting, I felt guilty. Mirrors become a problem. I started hating the face I saw in the mirror. I hated every breath that I took. The future becomes hazy and it becomes difficult to plan events for me.

Depression hinders with the sleep schedule. It can seriously mess it up. Over time I’ve experienced insomnia (not being able to sleep), hypersomnia (sleeping too much and not wanting to leave the bed), sleep paralysis (the closest thing you’ll ever experience to death), and lucid dreaming (not bad, but shouldn’t happen unintentionally among normal people).

People often respond by explaining “real problems” to me. How kids are starving in Africa (somehow it always starts with that), or how they faced real struggle of poverty and starvation in “their time”. Somehow this is supposed to make me feel better, as my problems aren’t marginally as bad as theirs were. People tell the dumbest things. As if they have the right to decide what I should be depressed about. It doesn’t help, but only adds to the guilt. It basically leads to a state of loneliness and helplessness, with no recourse.

So what do you do in such a state? The first step to solving a problem is acknowledging that it exists. It takes an immense amount of courage to be able to say to yourself, “I’m depressed. I need help.” You need to say it to yourself. And then you need to say it to someone else. “Happiness is within yourself.” That’s bullshit. Happiness is within you only as long as you’re happy. Else it’s a struggle. Get help. Get a friend. Get your family.

There isn’t really much advice I have for the people who are depressed. But for those of us who aren’t, I need to say this. We live in an increasingly depressed world full of competition and crowds that make one feel very lonely. Look out for signs if a co-worker or family member or friend might be depressed. Call upon any friend you haven’t heard for in a long time. Connect! Perhaps you can save someone.