Book Review – Shantaram

I bought my Kindle in 2015. 3 years down, being true to my engineering nature, I didn’t spend another single penny on any book. The rationale being that you do not need to pay money for things that appear on the screen. This rule finally broke when I picked up Gregory David Robers’ (GDR) Shantaram. It’s not that I was unable to find the book. Both Shantaram and the sequel were easily available. Only when I’d spent months devouring them and realized that the journey was about to end, I bought the special author’s edition of The Mountain Shadow (TMS). Honestly, it is unfathomable that an Indian engineer would pay for an e-book he already has. But that’s how much I loved GDR’s writing.

Shantaram and its sequel, TMS are the epitome of good contemporary writing. The books give you plot, style, humour, thought, wisdom, romance, and an insight into the mind of a city that I have personally come to love over the years. GDR’s autobiographical account of his life in Mumbai give you a new lens to see the city. One that takes you through the underworld, slums, back markets, and weird fetishes that exist only in a maximum city. But while grappling with difficult subjects GDR makes sure we are entertained and puts in the right dose of comedy whenever the plot starts to get too dry. He reveals his writing technique in the author’s edition of TMS. He finds a painting that includes elements of his plot and carves out non-linear portions from the image into his writing. That gives the text a sense of chaos that is fitting to Mumbai, yet leaves a coherent narrative. It also helps the author in coming back to side-stories that one may be tempted to write at a go. It also adds another layer to the book that the reader is rewarded with every time he goes back to the book. Never before had I encountered such a writing technique and I’m thankful to GDR for sharing the process. It was worth the money.

But there’s more. GDR’s books work on central themes and he carefully creates characters adhering to them. In Shantaram, the central theme is that of exile. Only when the book ends does one realize that every character in the book, no matter how significant or insignificant, is an exile in some way. In TMS, the same characters who evolve, and sometimes literally metamorphose in unexpected new ways explore the ideas of love and faith. And of course in the stream of characters like Prabaker, Didier, Kavita Singh, Lisa, and Lin, this review would be incomplete without the mention of Karla.

Karla is a character created out of the pure grit and honed writing skills of GDR. It’s almost as if GDR took the wittiest writing he’s ever written or read in his life and sculpted Karla out of those words. To the extent that even when she’s not in a scene, other characters would say something deep and immediately attribute the quote to Karla. But in TMS we discover that Karla is more than just words. She can be showrunner when GDR needs her to be. And quite honestly, we could not have enough of her. GDR has mentioned in his last interview that he would create spin-offs for Karla and Didier. I don’t know how a book created exclusively for Karla would work. Just like Karla needs GDR’s writing, she also needs Lin’s thoughts to reach the reader. I’m not sure if we would like her in her own head. But I trust GDR’s writing enough to know that he wouldn’t disappoint.

GDR understands that a reader invests a lot of life in reading an 800-page book. He respects their time. Usually when I read a book, I mark any interesting quotes I discover in it. The last book that I noted down quotes from was The Fault in Our Stars. I found dozens in Shantaram and TMS. Here, I want to share 22. Why just 22? Well, for one thing, I’d like you to visit the books yourself and discover your own wisdom. Secondly, it makes for much better decoration.

Quotes from Shantaram and TMS

"Greed is human Kryptonite." - TMS, Chapter 18

"Love: desire, stripped of hunger." - TMS, Chapter 47

"Power is the opposite of freedom." - TMS, Chapter 81

"Expectation, the ghost of reputation." - TMS, Chapter 69

"The truth is just inhibition, after 3 drinks." - TMS, Chapter 80

"If you're gonna do something, make an art of it." - TMS, Chapter 23

"The people showed thanks, rather than saying it." - Shantaram, Chapter 12

"An amateur is anyone who hasn't learned how not to do it." - TMS, Chapter 2

"Religion makes men soldiers, and war makes them apostles." - TMS, Version 15

"When will we demand peace, as passionately as we demand freedom?" - TMS, Chapter 80

"Depression only happens to people who don't know how to be sad." - Shantaram, Chapter 26

"News tells you what people did. Gossip tells you how much they enjoyed it." - Shantaram, Chapter 17

"Journalism, Didier once said to Ranjit, the media baron, the cure that becomes its own disease." - TMS, Chapter 34

"The Koran commands me to study everything, and learn everything, in order to serve Allah." - Shantaram, Chapter 33

"Corruption is a tax imposed on any society that doesn't pay people enough to repel it themselves." - TMS, Chapter 68

"The world is run by one million evil men, ten million stupid men, and a hundred million cowards." - Shantaram, Chapter 17

"It is always a fool's mistake, Didier once said to me, to be alone with someone you shouldn't have loved." - Shantaram, Chapter 42

"Friendship, for him, was measured by what men do and endure for one another, not by what they share and enjoy." - Shantaram, Chapter 31

"Cruelty is a kind of cowardice. Cruel laughter is the way cowards cry when they're not alone, and causing pain is how they grieve." - Shantaram, Chapter 21

"Only a wicked man would derive such benefit from good works. A good man, on the other hand, would simply be worn out and bad tempered." - Shantaram, Chapter 17

"Praising people behind their back is monstrously unfair, because the only thing you can't defend yourself against is the good that people say about you." - Shantaram, Chapter 31

"She wasn’t in love with me, and I couldn't be in love with her. But we made the night bright and the sunlight right a lot of the time, and never felt used or unloved." - TMS, Chapter 8

Book Review - Rich Dad Poor Dad

Rarely ever do you find a book with such consistent reviews from all its readers. Wanting to dabble with a light financial read, most of my friends recommended Rich Dad Poor Dad to me. ‘I wish I’d read this book when I was young’ everyone said. Yet when I told some other friends that I was reading Rich Dad Poor Dad, I heard a lot of ‘it’s just another self-help book’. And I do agree that Rich Dad Poor Dad remains a self-help book at its core. However, we cannot overlook the fact that it is a self-help book giving a very unique perspective on many technical and personality issues in financial thinking.

The most striking feature of the book to me was the underlying political debate. The book shows the difference in perspectives of a highly educated and socialist Poor Dad against a tax-fleeing capitalist Rich Dad. To a younger reader, it might not come across as striking. To me, it was one of the few good arguments in favor of a conservative leadership in the USA (apart from Donald Trump’s Presidency).

The book imparts its wisdom in the form of 6 lessons, and then some more for bonus ones which are reproduced here in their skeletal form. To be sure, you need to read the book if you want to truly grasp their essence. I merely present them here for you to judge if the book is for you or not.

Lesson 1: The Rich Don’t Work for Money

Wealth is accumulated in 3 ways – (i) Earned, (ii) Expanded, and (iii) Created. In this lesson Kiyosaki argues that the Rich seek not to earn but to expand it. When you work for an income, you earn it. The Rich do not believe in that. Instead they seek to make money work for them thereby expanding it. He shares the perspective of most folks who seek to earn a higher income by working harder getting into a trap of higher needs and thus working further hard. It is not until you have money working for you that you can be free of this vicious cycle.

Lesson 2: Why Teach Financial Literacy

Kiyasaki introduces financial terms like “assets”, “liabilities”, etc in this chapter, but with a twist. While this chapter in no way prepares you for an accounting exam at college, it teaches you a perspective of looking at “wealth” which is quite intuitive, even if it doesn’t agree with the generally accepted accounting principles. To work with something we need to understand it first. And so Kiyosaki stresses upon the need for financial literacy. He then goes on to illustrate cash flow patterns for different types of individuals and welcomes you to choose what kind of person would you like to be. He also illustrates the different assets and liabilities and their impact on individual wealth.

Lesson 3: Mind Your Own Business

At the outset it seems like another chapter on being an entrepreneur. But that was Chapter 1. Here Kiyosaki explains the perspective of looking at businesses and understanding them. You need to know what you are doing. For example, Nokia looked at itself as a phone company and failed while Apple saw itself as a technology company, going wherever technology led it, and often leading technology places. What would happen if Google saw itself as an advertising company in the early 2000s? Next he explains the different kinds of investments you can make but always remember, that it is your business and hence your job to understand what it is.

Lesson 4: The History of Taxes and the Power of Corporations

Kiyosaki takes us on a history lesson now slowly revealing a very conservative outlook on money. On a personal note, it is heartening to see the conflict between conservative-capitalism and liberal-socialism. I’d have loved to read of a liberal-capitalism system in the book. But I don’t get to make choices about the world in live in. Kiyosaki explains how taxes were started in the USA and UK and how it inevitably led to the middle-class being taxed in effect while the rich escaped. He misses out, perhaps consciously, on the economic perspective of dealing with issues of disparity and unemployment. But Kiyosaki isn’t interested in the Macroeconomic issues. It only tells you one thing – shield yourself from the government and get rich!

Lesson 5: The Rich Invent Money

Ever wondered how some people just seem to get money out of a whim, as if it is indeed growing on tress. In this lesson Kiyosaki shares tips and techniques on how the rich are able to invent money from scratch. The foundation is laid in the previous chapters, i.e. of what is money. Once you learn that money is nothing but promises and trust, it’s easy to see how it can be invented out of sheer nothingness. The secret basically lies in 3 skills – (i) Finding opportunities which most people will miss, (ii) Raising money, and (iii) Organizing smart people.

Lesson 6: Work to Learn, Don’t Work for Money

Kiyasaki emphasizes on the importance of learning, especially learning sales. And the best way to do that is through practice. Learning to hear the resounding “no”. Learning persistence. And learning the perspective that only the Rich seem to know. He shares his own experience by illustrating a conversation with a very good writer who wanted to be a “best-selling author”. But she refused to acknowledge the difference between “best-selling” a “best-writing”. Similarly, it is not enough to be good at what you do. It’s important to do better things!

Kiyasaki then goes on to describe the obstacles people face in following the above lessons. Then he tries to comment on the motivations one needs to get started on the path. Lastly, he comes up with a bonus round of Do’s. Action steps if everything above was too much theory and nothing practical.

Kiyasaki ends with another parable on how to pay for a child’s education with just $ 7,000. And then the book has some advertising on other books and products Kiyasaki is associated with. After all, he too is looking to make money out of this.

Yes, you may argue that this is just another self-help book and the author is looking to be invited to another motivational talk session to some big university. And that is true. But there are a few good self-help books on the way. Rich Dad Poor Dad seems to be one of them. While it imparts no traditional financial knowledge, it offers a different perspective to look at things. And once in a while, it’s good to accept a newer perspective.

Book review - The Fault in our stars

A brilliant book by John Green which attacks on a psychological level while you are immersed in the captivating plot. There’s much more to be taken from the book which cannot be done while reading in a flow. One needs to go over and reflect. It is not like an Ayn Rand novel where you seek to take in something from each chapter. In TFioS you reflect before you go to sleep. And after you wake up. And in between that. It offers some brilliant quotes for the reader to take back.

‘How are you?’ ‘Grand.’

‘Some infinities are bigger than other infinities.’

‘Pain demands to be felt.’

‘I’m on a roller coaster that only goes up!’

‘It would be a privilege to have my heart broken by you.’

The story disgusts, charms, enlightens, and makes you cry. You contemplate it all through the mind of a 16 year old girl learning to live with cancer. With each passing page, you know the best part of the journey is yet to come, but by far it has been grand! Which also brings fear. Much like the roller coaster described in the novel. And it offers the fall as well.

Book Review – The Chakra Deck

I started my journey with “The Chakra Deck” by Olivia Miller 7 months ago and have never looked back. I’d heard of the concept of chakras and had been curious about what they were and how they worked. Olivia Miller takes you through a step-by-step process of 50 cards slowly elucidating how to work with each chakra. Each chakra is described in a set of 7 cards with 2 explanation cards, 1 breathing card, 3 yoga poses, and a meditation technique. The 50^th card relates to the aura which is a surrounding force for all chakras. I first went through the series in the prescribed order. Going through one chakra at a time, with 7 cards of each, spending a day of contemplation on each card. The set left me wanting for more. So I went through the deck again, this time going through all the explanation cards first, then all the breathing cards, all yoga poses, and finally all meditation cards. Lusting for more, I did the entire thing again in random order. This time I was done. Going through 50 cards 3 times took me 7 months, mostly due to my own lethargy. Nevertheless, meditation has become a daily part of my life right now. As I explore newer techniques and avenues to help mind, body, and soul, I’ve made a short summary of the deck for my own ready reference. Feel free to use.

Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz

I

She sits on a table top, unhindered, undisturbed

she gleams of glory both past and in now

Yet her smile seems rather broken

her demons have made home, in my angel’s heaven

She takes it all in, and makes it glow

She dazzles life’s lemons, and makes Christmas snow

But she keeps away from happiness, and engulfs her own world

Afraid what she may find, if time be allowed so

She doesn’t understand that pain demands to be felt

and I am willing to hold her hand when it does

My own heart grows weary with sorrow

but her presence close by, gives me hope for tomorrow

She complains that she is too reserved, and I come out too strong

she’s afraid that she’s too volatile, and I remain too uptight

Obviously I’ve just met her, and cannot fathom the depths of her soul

And I only wish for her time, to know if we could ever together grow old

Of course I can’t tell a girl I just met, that I might hopelessly be in love with her

but what is man if not fragile? How distant are we from altering our lives?

All it takes is one day, one phone call, one crash, one near miss

Some might say we are too fickle. I see it as being beautifully fragile

But she doesn’t care, she sits on her edge, waiting for her fall

And I only wish to hold her up, for her fall will not be hers alone

But she refuses sympathy and help, and takes on her demons herself

But secret in her heart, she wants her knight

But it’s not a white knight she wants, she awaits a dark knight

Who lets her fight her war, and waits for her return

Holds her in victory and defeat, and nurses her battle scars

Whom she could hold under a starry night, and feel she has arrived home

She had her home in the past, she saw how it burnt down

She’s been afraid of home ever since

At some point, she stopped believing, and told herself a different story

That the demons within her defined who she was

I tell her she’s wrong, and who likes to hear that?

And honestly I do not care, because I see her beyond what she sees in herself

She loved fiercely, lost big, and has lost heart

But she still sings honestly, and I know that all is not lost

 II

I watch the sun go down every day

It gives me a sense of calm

For fifteen minutes, the world gives me a sanctuary

And I hear the music meant for angels

Eagles soar across the sky

Claiming for themselves what man has merely teased

Such panache is of the winged creatures

Inspiring and frightening at the same time

In silent serene moments like these when I’m saying goodbye to yet another day

My mind lays in fray and I think of the one who doesn’t remember me

I know I shouldn’t but I can’t help it

For this is no longer about what I feel for her, but what I wish to feel

Her thoughts come rushing to me like a river after a storm

Filling and emptying the chasms of my hollow heart

I hope I find her, I hope I have

But can I find my treasure of destiny before it find who I am?

 III

A storm brews in the heavens

And the Gods have let their will known

And I have become tired of playing the same over and over again

And now I want to stop playing, and I want to win

I know not the road I am on, I know not where it leads

My mind asks me not to risk all at once,

but if you’re not even taking a chance,

what are you even doing?

I know not if I’ll get to hold her hands some day or not

I know not if I’ll see her eyes twinkle like I know they can

I only know that it is what I want, and what I shall work towards

And to wait for those moments kills me

For I know if it is to be in the future,

I want the time I need to get to her

Rather than spending them in an abyss of hope and despair together

I want each passing moment, knowing that I have her by my side

And I yearn for the precious moments when I have her attention

and the moments when I have her presence

when the universe allows us to exist together

When I get to hear the melody of her voice

And I have been called crazy and much worse

And I take it all for I know my goal is what most people struggle to find all their lives

And when I feel I have a shot at it, I shall go after it with all I have

Because it takes the greatest sacrifice to find my soul

I do care for her beyond rationality, and wish her to have everything she has ever hoped for

I don’t mind if I’m not a part of her future, I want to know that she has found hers

And when you find that you don’t stop, even when they call you crazy, especially then!

For this is not some other disposable thing not worth fighting for, this is love

And I give you my word to take care of you through all your storms

for I see the your silver lining in each of them

I have seen you waiting for your rainbow

And I wish to sprinkle some rain

And angels can’t feel the wind on their faces

till they choose to fall

For from this moment and beyond

I shall love you as much as I can as long as I can

And we shall sit together by the ocean

Under the stars watching the moonlit waves

holding you close, and I shall know

That the road was long and weary, but in the end

We made it

Vishal Gupta

14^th May 2018

My Monster

Everyday, she tells me she’s a monster

Everyday, I fall for her a little bit more

Everyday, I try to make her adore me

Everyday, I can’t help but be honest with her

I feel afraid, that she might refuse

not because she’s certain, but in doubt

I wish, I could share her helplessness

but I push her in a battle she must fend alone

We reveal the worst of ourselves to one another

We can’t help but see the best

And I pray for one more chance

To win her once more all over again

Mind you, this isn’t a story of star-crossed lovers

destined by time and stirred by passion

It’s a story of human effort

Because that’s what’s needed

to tame, my Monster :)

Vishal Gupta

17^th November 2014              

Soulmates

The first time I found you, amidst a barrage of strangers

looking for a friendly face

I was taken, somewhat aback, when you courteously agreed

to acquaint me with a city I grew to know by your memories

The first walk we took, left me wanting for more

but alas! We had to depart, making way for our own journeys

only to meet back, in the same land once again

This time, not to acquaint, but to embrace

But let me not get ahead of myself

for ours is a story meant to be told at ease

For rushed may it have been in present

looking at it from the future, the memories fade slowly

I knew not much about you, save some bits which drew me to you

like the picture from an escapade of yours

straight hair, subtly curled up at the ends

fiery smile and ambitious eyes, a look that said “if you dare”

Yet a peace rested on your lovely face, of a woman at ease with herself

Seldom seen like a rare jewel, and somehow it never left my mind

You know that moment, that brief life-changing passing moment

when you look at someone, and you know, “she’s the one”

And it doesn’t take much to get to that realization

A smile, a look, a friendly “hi” and the heart might melt

In your case it was your name your eyes your talks your smile

And I knew even without meeting that we were - Soulmates

No words may pay tribute, to the time I spent with you

Little as it might have been, has left me with sweet memories

Memories enough to last a lifetime

And even though we are apart now, in my mind I shall always remember you

For I know no other way to think of you

apart to think that it was, and shall forever be love

There comes a time in a relationship,

when two good people need to move apart

Sometimes, the time isn’t right, sometimes the love isn’t enough

Sometimes the relationship is not ready for the people

Perhaps had we met in a different time at a different age

Perhaps I would have still loved you all the same

But perhaps it would have lasted, as it cannot now

For in these lives of ours we may never be together

and in this very life, I can never feel apart

You were my love my life my pain my disaster

my Pledge my Turn my Prestige

My summers my spring my hail my rain

my joy my sorrow my angel my monster

You taught an empty hearse of a heart to love again

and now that you are gone

I may never be able to pick up the pieces

But I fret not that it can never come back to me

I am joyous, for I had for an instance

more than what most get in a lifetime

And so you shall continue to exist

in every passing breath and every passing thought

for I cannot know a complete life bereft of your presence

And the half empty bed shall forever beckon

the knowledge than you are gone

And the solemn look on my face shall never reveal

that you took my smiles when you left

for it is easy to move on, when you are able to hate

Or perhaps when you’re unable to feel

But to move on and still love

does not allow you to regain happiness

And I know if I live in this lack of agony,

then you must too, desperate to feel

Joy sorrow anger bewilderment – something

But these are questions, one knows not the answers to

And I know not, how to live on without you

Each day I get further, in learning to live with your memories

Some day I shall find it in me, to be at peace with your thought

and the imagination of your being, your thoughts, your words

Everything but your presence I shall carry along

Pushing myself to the brinks of misery and madness

For this is my love, and the only way I know how

For what is love if not to make yourself vulnerable

                                          

Vishal Gupta

26 November 2017

Devil

And he said to them,

'I saw Satan fall

like lightning from heaven. '

– Luke 10:18

The devil was but an angel befallen

From the chastises of heaven

lost the Lord’s favor

Cast down he was, in misery

And misery fell to anyone comforting him

Stripped off his wings, and glory, and beauty

What was once everlasting beauty was now but mere mortal

The devil hath lost his grace

Things change, they say

it’s all but a matter of time and place

The devil was but an angel befallen

and so was mine, soft, beautiful, and graceful she was

For since the day she had held my hand for the first

I knew not pair or fear or shame

Comfort me she did with words and lips and soul

But the pleasures were not meant to last

for soon she became the bane of my existence

foul words, drunken lips, lost soul

I grappled hard to no avail

For she was my angel, and the devil loved me no more

The devil was but an angel befallen

for once it comforted you in the cradles of his arms

mate, companion, brother he was

to leave all sense behind lust and gold

And he rose whilst fell his soul

He traded wings for being able to walk alone

Warm embraces turned into hearts cold

and melancholy rhymes lasted no more

Idols, tales of heroism, God’s gift on my soul vanished

And so the devil lost the favor of those who held him dear

The devil was but an angel befallen

Cared for you in comforts

Praying for your joys,

causing your miseries to vanish

The angel was the Father’s care and Mother’s love

Gone astray, gone wild, smothering with affection

Clipping the wings of the butterfly even before it is born

Or lacing the larvae, to give it more strength

Or simply forgotten, in his own rushes to fly

For the sweetest angels turn the darkest devils

The devil was but an angel befallen

The comforts I bought for communication

enslaved me in my own mind to screens and sounds

The words we used to be set aside for dense moments

now appear too easily without a thought

Too easy it has become, to lose touch and embark a quarrel

Too cheap, to send words meant to be looking in the eye

Commitment lost from the words, the need of making an effort diminished

Too easy to burn a bridge, too easy to break the deal

What once was meant to enable, has become the greatest disabler of all

The devil was but an angel befallen

that now lives in mead, cult, and comforts

enslaving us, paying pitiful pennies for pitiful chunks of our soul

Each diminished that the last, each glowing a little brighter

For we once did love the glorious being with

cheerful smiles and bright wings

For no devil may cause harm to us, unless we make ourselves vulnerable

And what is to be vulnerable, if not it is to love

And what good would the devil be, had he not been an angel

And what good would the devil be, had he not been an angel

Vishal Gupta

July 4^th, 2015

Prestige

I never meant to fall for you, not so fast, not so hard

And I wouldn’t have, had it not been for you

For every time I had the chance of a little talk with you,

Somehow I ended up feeling more

Every time, I felt your eyes over my works

I understood why God had intended me to be a poet

For if the purpose of their existence, was to be read by you

They have met their purpose

for everytime I know you’re lips smile because of my words

I know my words have served me well

Your smile, I was never one to fall for physical beauty

Your soul was what I fell for first

Again, I didn’t mean to, I’ve been through enough heartbreaks

Enough to know that I know very little about you

Enough to know that making myself vulnerable too early was a big mistake

But what is love if not to make yourself vulnerable

If I were to be honest with my own heart

I know I need to give to you its command

I know making myself vulnerable again probably will hurt me again

But something tells me it’s worth the pain, if it comes from you

For I do not want to tell you I kind-of like you (as I did in the past. Apologies)

But I was honest then and am honest now

Once, you were a girl whom I just wanted to know better

Today, you are the constant looming thought on my mind

I know not why I feel so, what is it about you which attracts me so

But I know I find the strength to like myself when I talk to you

I know I find the smile I’d lost long ago, when I think of you

They say marry someone you can hold conversations with

If it were to be true, I’d spare no moment to be closer to you

Yet closeness is a precarious little devil, for we have little time

For we are always away, for we have hardly met but twice

Yet, if you were to be close to me now, I’d hug you and not let go

If I were able to touch you now, I’d hold you ever so close

I smile, I know not if I have went too far

I do always make the mistake of falling too hard and too fast

Everytime, slamming into rock bottom

Recovering each time, with more difficulty than the last

Finding harder to trust, with each fall

I don’t even know if someone else awaits the warmth of your embrace

Know not I what you think of me, if at all

But I remember the time when a drizzle had come in our way

The night when we could have met last

I remember telling you that was the first time I disliked the rain

I remember you responding in kind

If I were to have that moment back, I’d have not cared about the monsoon fall

But alas! Time waits for no one and returns for no one

And alas time is what short of I am

For I have hardly a window of a month and a half, power packed

When both of us would face testing times

When decisions will be made, not all of them right

Heck, I don’t even know what you expect from life

So I ask myself, what do I know if I claim to love this girl?

I tell myself, I know a girl who dares to honestly smile

A girl, not shy of dreaming big and speaking her mind

Someone who dares to embody Rand, but keeps Ahern in her heart

A girl who loves to touch history with her own hands

and told me she’d like a companion who would understand

Someone who is looking for a companion in life

And makes me afraid of the grand thought that her hand could be mine

And who am I to dream so high?

A simple boy with big dreams

Who writes poetry and dreams to hold the love of his life in his arms

Who does not quite understand this girl, but knows he can trust

Who knows he has jumped into a pit, and awaits the fall

Who dreams to hold your hand once, even if it is the only time

For I tried so hard not to fall in love with you

But without giving you this power, I could never have been true

Now I wish, to accompany you on your journeys

To share my stories with yours, and make some new ones with you

Scared I am, more than you can know

For I am a man dangerous, pain who can endure

I know what it is to love, and to lose

I know what it is to love, and never have found

But the one thing I know not is what you think

Neither do you compliment my advances

Nor you back them down

You say I remind you of a hopeless romantic

You blush when I pay a compliment

You want to know how you make me feel?

I wish I could come running to you right now

To spend those few extra moments with you

Lest they might not last

To spend a little more time with you

Lest, we might not last

Lest some young prince steals you afar

For we might be in the chase phase right now

But in future our ship will see waves low and high

And it is the strength of our bond which will sink or sail us through

But I think not of that far

I think I wish you were here, for with you, I become a better man

With you, I become what I know I am meant to be

And if all my past, my heartbreaks and yelps

My cries in the dark my panics in loneliness

My struggles my despairs

My poetry my mind

If all my life was a journey to reach you

I regret none of it

For if you are the one whom I was meant to reach

And walk together thereon

I can patiently wait knowing you’ll be there for me

If, I know you’ll be there

Else I know hurt I will be

More than I am prepared for

But I know life goes on and I too will move on

And perhaps someday I will know why we did not work

But hell! I wish we do, for tired I am of this endless loneliness

And yes, I never expected to fall for someone who cares what her shoes look like

But this is something I hope you do not blame me for

I did not choose to fall for you

Like I cannot blame you to not fall in love with me

After all, all you’ve seen is my glory and my angelic side

You know not of the baggage I endure

You know nothing of my darker side

As I know not of yours

But I feel whatever it is, I could give you a hand

I see a deep ocean over the surface of your smile

I wish you’d allow me to swim in that

            ***

A teacher we share, love for whom we both bear

It is the love you possess for her which makes me trust you

For she was the one who conquered pain, fear and guilt

She was the one who sanctioned the victim in my soul

As she did to yours

You know me to be a patient man

And with all calm I possess I wait for you

Subduing the storm in my heart

On some days, I feel my pounding heart is to explode

Simply because I see your name yet no words from you

But I mean neither to cling nor to disrupt

For I trust you shall reply when you find the time

And I trust that you will find the time when you can

Yet sometimes, waiting for you is all I can do

And patience is all I meet it with

We both have learnt the lesson of sanction too well

Both, never guilty, having no regrets

We have both cherished our lives’ accomplishments

and learnt from each mistake

Even today, when I see your proud smile

I know there’s a face with no guilt or shame

Just pride, I wish I could imbibe

But fear, the answer to fear is in neither patience nor pride

The answer to fear comes not from within, but outside

Yes, a man can be brave when he is afraid

But that still is not the answer to fear

The answer to fear, my dear, is found in learning

And it is that which makes me afraid

For I am scared, I might be missing a piece of the puzzle

Something I must know about you, but do not

and every day, the fear haunts me

and every hour of your silence, engulfs me further

For it is the unspoken words which come to haunt us

And there’s a lot unspoken, between the two of us

and I mean not to offend you with my questions

I just wish you understand, that what might come across as jealousy

is simply the fear of losing you

Another fear I possess is of the future unknown

even if I were to earn your love today, what would keep it tomorrow?

What would happen when I fall on harder times, as I invariably will

what happens when five years hence,

I’d be someone completely different from whom you met

Time changes us, and time changes relationships

A relation has a life of its own

Wild when young, unsure growing up

Unsure, all its life, prone to the littlest of fights

I do not know when we start our careers, if you’d be moving faster than me

I know not if that would be the case all our lives

I know not if I even want to settle down, or wander the world till I can any more

There’s much I’m unsure about my own life

so how can I say I’ll love you for the rest of my life

How can I be sure of your love for mine?

But I understand that’s the risk we have to take

If we want to feel that love divine

For what is love if not to make yourself vulnerable

I might try hard to build a life comfortable for you

But the aim will always be to spend time with you

Time, ever-elusive never-returning

The only real asset we will ever possess

I don’t know if we will live a harsher life

I don’t know if that you’ll mind

But I know the aim of life, is time, with you

The final gift is love

Often, I have dreamed of us together

often, I’ve wondered what might it be like

and I always picture you, in my arms

Comfortably reading your favorite words

And me, the same but on a different book

Because I know you won’t trust me with your books

I might claim to suit your life, but I’ll never earn the trust of your books

And so, I get to hold you and not them

But I cherish what I have and I smile

For I hope you understand this and I say this with all my heart

it’s would have been one thing if I wanted to just sleep with you

One thing, I don’t judge but I can’t imagine

For when I picture us together

I see myself waking up next to you

Waking to the sight of your lovely sleeping face

And think to myself, there’s nothing which can go wrong in this day

I wish to be woken up by your embrace

And know, a bright new morning awaits my day

Yes, I know it’s difficult to build trust at this point

For hardly do we know each other

You, not beyond my poems

me, not beyond your books

But I think your books define you as much as my poems do

And I trust you to be honest with me, as I am with you

and to trust easily is a weakness I possess

but the alternative is far more horrific for my consideration

For I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all

And I know I might be on the path to my fall

But this is my choice, the fruit or brunt of which I must endure

For what are we if not the results of our choices

It is not what I think within which makes me who I am

it is what my choices are

As it is yours

And so, I choose to trust, as I have and as I shall

until one day, I can’t any more

And then, I fall

But till then, life goes on and time does not stop

And I hope to scrape some life from these moments

Time will tell if it’s glory or a lesson

Or will I be impaired to never rise again

But till then, life goes on

            ***     

And as I sit wondering how to end this long ballad

I wonder what you’ll think upon reading it

I wish I can look at you whilst you read it

As Lady Antebellum’s words ring through my thoughts

“And I wonder if I ever cross your mind”

And I know I am spending too much time thinking of you

Something I’m trying to help myself not to do

For if I am to be worthy of your soul deep,

there are still miles to go before I sleep

And on that note I take your leave

Very soon, I know you shall know of the secrets my exploding heart keeps

Vishal Gupta

14^th October, 2014

Cleveland