16 May, 2015


Once in a lifetime a poet writes a piece which makes him immortal. The piece of art after which he would have no regrets dying, for he knows his greatest creation has been left behind him.

This is one such piece.

Dedicated to Ayn Rand, Dagny Taggart, Dominique Francon, Danerys Targaryen and… the Graceless Devil.


I look at her,
unaware of my presence
engrossed, in a struggle of her own
I know not what she desires
I know not whether she is certain
But I hope, that she finds where her heart lies
I hope, I’m given an opportunity to assist her

Dark skin and deep eyes
she does not blink, for her moment might pass by
Repulsed by her are many, as I’ve been told
I smile, finding them depraved to not notice what I see

I met her first, in a friendly game
where I faced defeat, again and again
Where I was mocked and she asked her fair prize
where I saw in her eyes, not the gloat of defeating me
but that of winning pride
She did not refrain from speaking her heart
and in utter astonishment, I accepted her words
for never before I’d seen such inelegant confidence
Never had I found, such happiness deserved

Gracelessly, she rejects favors endowed for her race
and struggles hard, to earn what could have been hers
Takes risks, becomes strong, fights, loses, stands again
For petty rights and great ones alike
Tempted I am, to facilitate her struggle
but I shall not insult her with that
I only sit back and smile, waiting for her to justify her will
So I may find her by my side once more

Her name itself, an abomination or a beautiful word
The word, meaning celestial mother of creation
she, perhaps unawares of the genesis of her name
offers neither care nor compassion of a mother
She offers her dedication to herself, self-centered and nothing more
she promises to be true to her life and her work
Caring for little else along the way
Defining selfishness, as the only virtue
where man benefits from what he earns
Doesn’t loot doesn’t beg doesn’t steal
And enjoys only, the fruits of his efforts

She asked me once, what I wished from life
I remembered my desire to dedicate myself to someone,
perhaps akin to her
I remember great words I once heard and attempt to quote
‘I’m just looking for an angel with a broken wing’
She takes a moment to reflect,
I wish I could believe what I saw in her eyes
‘There’re no angels inside me,’ she speaks, more to herself,
‘only demons which endure.’
‘There’s no heaven in me either,’ I silently think
‘only a hell, where your demons may live’

For far too long, I’d been enticed by angels, I think
fair and gracious, who look out for themselves
Damsels in distress and princesses are what life has shown me so far
I first encountered this wonderful graceless girl
Her garb careless, her beauty within
She cares not how the world looks at her being
I cannot fail to see the splendor of her soul

My chain of thoughts is broken, when she looks away from her work
I wait, but do not find a glance coming towards me
Instead, her attention goes to her awkwardly bound hair, which she undoes
which falls, but does not quite reach her shoulders
instead, makes an extravagant arc on her neckline
Like a black rainbow, spread across a black sky
I find it difficult, to turn my gaze away
Till she finally notices me, stealing a fleeting look away from her
Her face glows with the undone hair
I know, yet I cannot help but notice
the intensity of ambition on her face
Scaring any elegance, which might chance her way
I forget her dark neck, frail shoulders and stagnant hair
and simply remember, the gravity of her expression

Sitting by her, inspires me
reminds me of my own journey
my miles to go my dreams my destiny
Her serene face inspires me look away,
and concentrate on my own goals
When I find my attention fleeting away
all I need is a glance at her face
All that I need to make me smile
is to watch her face once a day
I notice myself expecting too much
I remind myself there’s someone else, far away
waiting for her
I wonder if he loves her
I wonder if she loves him
I shudder and wonder, if I happen to love her
But I cannot allow, I have no right
My rights are limited to sitting by her and assuring her lips a smile
which becomes a struggle for me
For the grace of a smile absconds her solemn goals

I notice myself hanging from the cliff of a rock
Rock, which simply waited for me to make the fall
for there was no other way to go
Yet, in that moment, I felt at home like I had never before
I knew not if it was love, the question had lost all meaning
For I’d been weak by too many falls to attempt another sure defeat
Yet, I could not help but cling on
for it felt where I belonged
I wonder if anyone else loved my rock as much as I could
I wonder, if it was my unworthiness which would be the reason to my fall
Or had I simply taken to climbing and falling,
with no beginning nor any end
but simply for the insane love of climbing
I found myself, loving her with reckless abandon
and her, abandoning me for reckless love

She knows that the expense of her goals is all humane emotion
her dreams allow her to leave everything behind
Her will, leaves me bewildered, of the graceless rock in her
Which I cannot help but hate and respect at the same time
I hold nothing against her dreams,
her dark ambition is what attracts me to her, like a black hole
Where I know I will find nothing but oblivion
yet, one who understands cannot help but look forward to the journey
I admire her ambition, and praise her for that
what perplexes me is the extent to which she is willing to ignore all else
All relations, emotions, sanity, civility
I know not if I understand her
is she the crowd or is she more
Is she the goddess or is she the devil
But whatever she is, I cannot look away
like a child, who first sees fire
Too afraid, to touch; too curious to let go

As she goes away without a word
without the faintest hint of a goodbye
without considering that all I want is an extra minute of looking at her eyes
without having the tiniest bit of an idea of the turmoil in me
without replying to my pleas for a word
But I cannot blame her, for she owes me nothing
For the conflict within me is my own
for I am the root of my misery and it must exist within me
for I cannot blame her, or her ambition or her dreams
for she has promised me nothing
for I knew, I had no rights to expectations ever
Yet, I cannot help but expect
I want the rock to pull me back
Yet she leaves, without a word or a hug
not knowing, I needed it more than her
that this fall might be my last
She is not to blame, and I am left behind
Numb, senseless, closing my eyes to see her face again
Allowing, myself to finally fall
Not knowing, what lies below
Floating, through air like a frail drop of water

In my fall, I hope she finds,
someone who appreciates the beauty of her dark soul
someone, who can look into her eyes,
and see what I was fortunate to see
Someone, who is strong enough to accept her for her flaws
for it shall be only him, who shall be worthy of my graceless demon

In a flash before my fall, a vicious desire comes to me
My only hope, only plea to her
for understanding, that I’ve walked behind her for too long
for too long, I’ve been there for her to look back and smile
Have I had her back, protecting her from what she cannot see
Following her, allowing her to make her own path
intervening, only when asked
I wish she understands, that I might not be there for too long
One day, she might gracelessly turn to find empty space
My only evil desire, from my own evil soul
And in that moment, I make my graceless fall
Achieving, what I’d been after since the beginning
My fall. Graceless 

Vishal Gupta
March 31st, 2014