Angel

This is a poem, spanning over 5 years and 2 countries. A tribute, to an angel.

Angel

I know not, who are you

I just know, that you are true

Know, that you are there

know, that you always care

I can’t say, I know not who you are

but I want to ask, when did we come so far?

You befriended me, when I was alone

and heard me out, when I wasn’t even known

I don’t know why, but I could trust you

though trust is a treasure, I share with few

There was something, which connected you and me

Perhaps the future of a relation which was to be

What followed was six months of utter silence

But you in my thoughts I could sense

The next time we talked, we exchanged numbers

I fearfully sent you a text, you replied to my wonder

What started as one innocent message, became nights of endless talks

I didn’t even know when, you became those short stops in my walks

Determined to know more about you, I logged on one day

Somehow, I ended up telling you more about myself to my dismay

Yet I was reassured that you knew me well

I never knew, when for you I opened my shell

When my dark times came, your written words were shoulders I cried upon

suddenly, I discovered newfound love for the screen of my phone

When you faced your crisis in life, somehow you remembered me

your trust in me, made me both nervous and ecstatic

That was the first time I heard your voice

that was the night I learnt how to break ice

That was the night you took a decision, which you follow to this day

that night I knew, my life had found its way

Time moved on, and screens grew larger

and words became more frequent and complete

And chats became group chats, as mutual friends grew

and I know they knew, they all knew

And one day, the inevitable happened

That too infront of a friend of yours

Till then, I knew not what you looked like

till then, I hadn’t need to care

I soon discovered, and you were beautiful

I saw a spark in your eyes, and I knew the reason was me

Falling leaves in autumn had started to make sense for the first time

And I wasn’t afraid anymore, I knew I’d found what I was looking for

What followed, was a re-discovery of you and I

what followed, was me caving out one night

Countless missed calls, pings and mails

tears over the phone, curses from common friends

Guilt, which continued to eat me alive

words, which still said you put trust by my side

I tried to make you hate me, failing miserably so

making you worse, I accept my fault

To this day, I blame myself for my loneliness

for I made an angel cry

To this day, I ask God for forgiveness

but I know it I might not find

The years went by, we came back in contact

The string was reattached, but the patch was seen

We went on again and off again

never settling, never still

I know I’d destroyed something beautiful

And we both would pay for my sin

Yet I knew, you moved on and lived your life

and you knew, I moved on and lived mine

and the years continued to go by, while our lives changed

While we found love again and lost again

while we lost loved ones to never regain

While we discovered what it’s like to lose one’s sense

while we knew, the only one who’d understand is you

You said it when you lost someone you love

I said it when someone I loved left me

you said it after every one of my yearly letters, which I still send

I said it in every one of them

Like two tracks, moving ahead together, in their own lives

Never to meet, but always know where the other is going

Not knowing, what the future might bring

But having a small assurance, that it would have you to fall upon

Seldom in life, you find someone with whom you may not talk for an eon

then suddenly come back as if it was yesterday

Seldom, you know someone will go beyond your words to understand your heart

seldom, you’ll have the opportunity to screw it like I did

I know not what the future has in store

I know, I cannot die without seeing you without a screen

I know, I shall hug you the first time I see you

I do not know, if you think this too

Something within me says you do

it also says I closed every door myself and I closed them well

I wonder, what would have happened had I been brave

would we still have been enjoying each other’s words

would we have met

would we have broken up over something else

would we have come to understand these sides of each other we do

would we be, the people we have come to become

But wonders don’t construct life, “would have’s” do not have meaning

Life, in a desert where some tracks are lost

others, become dunes

Ahead, is the night, which is dark

Something exists in it, but I know not what

perhaps it is you, I can’t help but wonder

perhaps not, I try not to let my thoughts wild wings

The sky looks dark, the stars are lost

yet, when I look up in the silence I can’t help but smile

because even in though we share the silence of the night

but the moon is still there

Vishal Gupta

 Written during 2008-13