10 Types Of Funds (and Girls) Found In Mumbai

Recently I was exposed to a lot of Funding Mechanisms, and a lot of girls. And somewhere at the back of my mind, the corrupted writer started ticking.

 

1. PSU Banks

 

This is the girl next door who smiles at you as you pass by, asks you to help her out with some studies and some car problems. She’ll even go out with you for a chat over tea. But you dare not take any step further unless you wish to unleash the “Pavitra Nari” she internally embodies. She has a long list of rules about what’s wrong and what’s more wrong. And as in real life, it’ll take you some great ratings from people you don’t like to get with her. Then she asks for a guarantee that you’ll be with her, puts certain restrictions on you, monitors you day in and day out, and then she’s yours.

 

 

2. NBFCs

 

This is the “sweet innocent unlearned” girl who ended up dating 6 guys in her freshman year, and got labelled as a… you know. Then she grew to lose faith in the world and was sharp as an eagle in her… “Investments”. She has a keen eye and is aware of what can be extracted from whom. Simpletons have either known to be wise enough to avoid her, or are desperate enough to pry her. But as old habits die hard, every once in a while she’ll make that dumb mistake which will make life miserable for her and everyone around her (especially everyone around her). Well, then she just gets more cocky, and nearby a heart (or at times, a nation) bleeds.

 

 

3. Strategic Equity Partner

 

She is your ideal spouse. Unless you married under pressure in which case you’re condemned for the rest of your life to bear with each other whether you like it or not. Unless you decide not to and get divorced in which case you pay her off in alimony till the end of your days. Unless she dies first which might be your only unlikely respite whilst you live.

 

 

4. Junk bonds

 

You know she’s bad for you. You know you won’t be able to hold on to her for long. You know you really shouldn’t be going in that direction. But you will, for the simple thrill of it. You’re not looking for a stable life anyway. What you want in life is the extreme emotional turbulence which only she can provide. She looks hot, she’s easy, she’s eyeing at you, and you know you can’t help yourself but to have a go at her. Yes you’re not thinking with your brain anymore.

 

 

5. Hedge Funds

 

You know you’ve worked hard enough to get invested in them, you deserve them, but at times you can’t help but think to yourself, “what the hell am I doing?” She’s the Latin American whose language you barely understand, but she’ll accompany you on your private yatch when you’re having a feud with your girlfriend. Well, a little hedging never hurt anyone. Right?

 

 

6. AA Rated Bonds

 

She’s the hot and smart favorite everyone wants to date but only a few have ever been able to. She doesn’t come easy and she doesn’t get into affairs. She’s the most reliable, smart, funny, beautiful, enthusiastic, interesting, enigmatic, and graceful girl you know of, as told to you by everyone who knows her. You wonder if that was so, why anyone ever broke up with her…

 

 

7. Angel Investors

 

You’re a dashing new guy on the block and she’s a charming young girl. She’s taken it upon herself to show you everything beautiful about the neighborhood, and everything ruthless about it as well. Slowly, she’s training you to be with her, watching you grow. All she wants in return is a small promise. Would you just please make a small signature on the dotted line? Thank you. Congratulations. Now your soul has been sold to the devil.

 

 

8. Bill Discounting

 

Of course she’ll date you! That’s what she’s wanted all her life. But just in case you seem to be inadequate financially… or otherwise, she wants you to take the responsibility of arranging someone who will assure her of her expectations. As long as the other person seems good enough to take care of her, you don’t need to worry. That only seems fair right? After all, she’s dating you. Isn’t that what you wanted in the first place?

 

 

9. Loan Against Property

 

This is the simplest date you could hope for. All you need to do is be a decent guy and she will lie in your arms for eternity. Just a small clause. You should be from around her neighborhood, since the commute might be too much for her to assess you. And speaking of that, you must stay close to one of her acquaintances so that she can have the ease of assessing you. And also you must wear good clothes, so that you look good to her acquaintances who will assess you. And lastly, everyone should like you and want you, so that she can get rid of you as and when she likes.

 

 

10. Equity Dilution

 

She’s the toughest one. For her you need to let go of everything you hold dear. If you want to date her, you’ll practically have to sell your soul for a one she likes, at the moment. She might say for now that she likes you the way you are, that is why she’s with you. But sooner or later, that’s not going to be good enough, and you’ll need to change. And once you change, she’ll leave you because you’re not the one she wanted. And now you’re just pathetic. No one wants you. Screw you! Goodbye.

 

Poetess

Oftentimes, I open a blank MS Word document

or would seldom bring out a paper and pen

and stare, for minutes, or hours,

Constantly putting it aside and then opening it again

Be it the quiet of the night or the heat of the day

I answer the call whenever it comes to me

But seldom, it does so happen,

that the thoughts in my mind refuse to take shape

I’m unable to write a single letter

or I keep cancelling what I wrote, in pursuit of better words

But none come, and I wonder

did I lose the art I thought I was born with

My one gift that I neither won nor earned

but was simply bestowed upon my breaths

And that scares me, for a moment though

Because I once the words come and pass through me onto parch’

I realize I was never the writer all along

The words simply passed through me, perhaps in search of an empty soul

that wouldn’t dare to soil them, and would put them to paper pure

The writer was someone else, someone pious and pure

For it wasn’t in me to have such thoughts and words

The poetess was beautiful, unworldly, and immortal

I was but a mere mortal, scum unworthy

The words written were her doing, not mine

And on days when I couldn’t write, she was the one who had failed

Or perhaps chose not to caress me that night

Perhaps my soul wasn’t pure that night

But once she calls, it was impossible to let her be

And the guilt would kill me if I ever did ignore her,

tearing me apart, limb for limb

ripping out my heart, clutching my throat

wrestling me, till I had tears in my eyes and found respite in dreams alone

The Poetess wrote, and I found joy in her victories

And danced with her, for twas the only joy I had ever known

 

No mere mortal she is, but a Goddess

for she fires up the spirit

she bursts a sad rotting soul into embers of creativity

The mere brush of her hair makes a lethargic man sit up

The ashes of her doing lighten up the eyes of the deadest of people

Who praise, chant, and worship

They wish to cherish the artist, such are the customs of the world today

But in essence, the artist is I, the wielder of a pen for a flickering moment

The source is much greater, larger, grander

And in the afterglow of that spirit my soul lingers, gathering words of praise

Yet, the man receiving the praise was not the one who earned it

To the poetess goes all my glory, and from her comes more

For I will not be a poet, when I’m not writing, I’m one in this moment alone

The moment that cloaks and crafts itself upon me

And absorbs me into its own time and space

into an environment, not unlike one being created by my own words

I let lose, and flow, entering into the heavenly world

The fiery world, the calm, the anger, the sadness, the joy

the screams, the lights, the dark, and the agony

of the moment when I feel a lump in my throat and take my pen

I earn a moment of oneness with her, at-one-ment

I become, the Poetess

The Butcher’s Daughter

He’d asked her to wait for him, and she did. Close your eyes and you’ll find me in your heart, he’d said. And she sat by the door every evening counting sunsets, hoping one of those will bring her father back on the last ray of hope. And she’d hope again the next day, with the first ray of the Sun. And she’d hope till the Sun rose and fell. But her father was no Sun. He wouldn’t rise again. He fell. Once. And it had been enough for him. His last words asked to keep her in the dark. The man’s last words were to be respected, even if spoken in a fit of desperate madness. He thought she couldn’t take it.

But she knew. Missy’s revenge had been taken.

The Silk Road

It was another beautiful evening. Actually, every evening had been beautiful since I’d met Dora. I am still afraid to say her Chinese name, but she doesn’t mind being called Dora. I sometimes call her “Dear” but she doesn’t seem to notice. Never mind. A rose is as beautiful, called by any other name. I met her 2 months ago, and the dull streets of Wuxi came alive. She was everything I wanted. Docile, elegant, beautiful. Could a man want more?

Until that fateful evening, when a stranger suddenly took out his knife and spoke very fast Chinese. Before my hand reached for the wallet, her hand reached for his. In the flash of the moment, I was gaping at the bleeding neck of the mugger.

‘A woman must be able to do everything from tying a diaper to hacking a head,’ she quoted another Chinese proverb for me.

More Cars than Roads

Alien noises beeped all around him and yet he was unfazed. It was a daily ordeal now. He knew he should never have left the comforts of home in this city without air to breathe. He remembered the clean roads and speedy people around him, the days of the yore.

But the new life was good too. It was a sort of peace in an exploding bubble of madness. He never understood the ways of these new men. They cursed everyone without realizing that they were a part of everyone.

I will do my duty and die, he thought. After all, that was what he was made for. It wasn’t home where he’d be cared for. Here, life was rough and he had to scramble for the little space he got, often in the Sun.