14 September, 2015

10 Types Of Funds (and Girls) Found In Mumbai

Recently I was exposed to a lot of Funding Mechanisms, and a lot of girls. And somewhere at the back of my mind, the corrupted writer started ticking.
1. PSU Banks
This is the girl next door who smiles at you as you pass by, asks you to help her out with some studies and some car problems. She’ll even go out with you for a chat over tea. But you dare not take any step further unless you wish to unleash the “Pavitra Nari” she internally embodies. She has a long list of rules about what’s wrong and what’s more wrong. And as in real life, it’ll take you some great ratings from people you don’t like to get with her. Then she asks for a guarantee that you’ll be with her, puts certain restrictions on you, monitors you day in and day out, and then she’s yours.
2. NBFCs
This is the “sweet innocent unlearned” girl who ended up dating 6 guys in her freshman year, and got labelled as a… you know. Then she grew to lose faith in the world and was sharp as an eagle in her… “Investments”. She has a keen eye and is aware of what can be extracted from whom. Simpletons have either known to be wise enough to avoid her, or are desperate enough to pry her. But as old habits die hard, every once in a while she’ll make that dumb mistake which will make life miserable for her and everyone around her (especially everyone around her). Well, then she just gets more cocky, and nearby a heart (or at times, a nation) bleeds.
3. Strategic Equity Partner
She is your ideal spouse. Unless you married under pressure in which case you’re condemned for the rest of your life to bear with each other whether you like it or not. Unless you decide not to and get divorced in which case you pay her off in alimony till the end of your days. Unless she dies first which might be your only unlikely respite whilst you live.
4. Junk bonds
You know she’s bad for you. You know you won’t be able to hold on to her for long. You know you really shouldn’t be going in that direction. But you will, for the simple thrill of it. You’re not looking for a stable life anyway. What you want in life is the extreme emotional turbulence which only she can provide. She looks hot, she’s easy, she’s eyeing at you, and you know you can’t help yourself but to have a go at her. Yes you’re not thinking with your brain anymore.
5. Hedge Funds
You know you’ve worked hard enough to get invested in them, you deserve them, but at times you can’t help but think to yourself, “what the hell am I doing?” She’s the Latin American whose language you barely understand, but she’ll accompany you on your private yatch when you’re having a feud with your girlfriend. Well, a little hedging never hurt anyone. Right?
6. AA Rated Bonds
She’s the hot and smart favorite everyone wants to date but only a few have ever been able to. She doesn’t come easy and she doesn’t get into affairs. She’s the most reliable, smart, funny, beautiful, enthusiastic, interesting, enigmatic, and graceful girl you know of, as told to you by everyone who knows her. You wonder if that was so, why anyone ever broke up with her…
7. Angel Investors
You’re a dashing new guy on the block and she’s a charming young girl. She’s taken it upon herself to show you everything beautiful about the neighborhood, and everything ruthless about it as well. Slowly, she’s training you to be with her, watching you grow. All she wants in return is a small promise. Would you just please make a small signature on the dotted line? Thank you. Congratulations. Now your soul has been sold to the devil.
8. Bill Discounting
Of course she’ll date you! That’s what she’s wanted all her life. But just in case you seem to be inadequate financially… or otherwise, she wants you to take the responsibility of arranging someone who will assure her of her expectations. As long as the other person seems good enough to take care of her, you don’t need to worry. That only seems fair right? After all, she’s dating you. Isn’t that what you wanted in the first place?
9. Loan Against Property
This is the simplest date you could hope for. All you need to do is be a decent guy and she will lie in your arms for eternity. Just a small clause. You should be from around her neighborhood, since the commute might be too much for her to assess you. And speaking of that, you must stay close to one of her acquaintances so that she can have the ease of assessing you. And also you must wear good clothes, so that you look good to her acquaintances who will assess you. And lastly, everyone should like you and want you, so that she can get rid of you as and when she likes.
10. Equity Dilution
She’s the toughest one. For her you need to let go of everything you hold dear. If you want to date her, you’ll practically have to sell your soul for a one she likes, at the moment. She might say for now that she likes you the way you are, that is why she’s with you. But sooner or later, that’s not going to be good enough, and you’ll need to change. And once you change, she’ll leave you because you’re not the one she wanted. And now you’re just pathetic. No one wants you. Screw you! Goodbye.