“And when nobody wakes you up in the morning. And when nobody waits for you at night. And when you can do whatever you want. What do you call it? Freedom or Loneliness?” – Charles Bukowski
Shields
There’s an illusion of stability
there’s an illusion of progress
there’re mirrors and shields everywhere
but there’s nothing of any real substance
I seek progress, but meditate on failure
afraid to make, any wrong decisions
Living so cautiously, that I do not live at all
in which case, I fail by default
And comfortably nestled in my cocoon I lay
knowing that sitting easy is not the stuff of kings
Stifled out of any motivation, I rest
and free myself from all endeavours of life
I carefully measure each act
on a balance of optimism and stupidity
I blame my past for my lack of motivation
Unable to accept, that my past is my own fault
Fearing to care, for any thing or anyone
‘cause nothing is ever meant to last
No one does, nothing does
Eventually, they all turn their backs and you’re alone again
And such, I close my life to serendipity
and desire to be in control of all that is my life
refusing to engage in anything that is not
unable to see the bigger picture
Such is the nature of the cocoon
that I’ve wrapped around myself
That all I can see is only the concept of myself
And all I can do is be me
I got attacked from many sides
And I drew too many shields
And now all I see is a reflection of me
And it gets hot underneath
And I wish to break free
But I’m too afraid for what lies outside
I know it’s not easy
But I know it’s not as bad as I believe it to be
Anyway, I’ll never know unless I’m out
But the burden of these shields rests heavy on me
And I know I must break free
I just don’t know how nor have the will to be
I don’t cry for help
lest someone might hear and help me
Afraid that reality isn’t as bad as it is in my head
that the world is not as mean as I imagine it to be
And all my imaginary demons that I have nestled for so long
will need to be released and forgotten
And I am attached to my inner demons
Like a prisoner who has fallen in love with the walls around
him
But I am the prisoner
And I am the prison
And I know I must break free
I just don’t know how nor have the will to be
Vishal Gupta
23 June 2024
