If you live to be in your 20s, chances are that your parents
screwed some things up for you during your childhood. And as you “grow up”, you
start noticing these little screw-ups. Going through this phase is always a
painful process and almost inevitably kicks in a lot of despair and depression.
Thing is, your mom and dad are not your all-knowing protectors, guardians, and
saviors as you still expect them to be. Nor are they the obnoxious and totally
uncool authoritarians which you convince yourself that they are. They are… two
normal human beings – flawed, vulnerable, struggling. The only difference is
that they make their best effort despite often having no clue of what the hell
they’re doing, even if they don’t know what the best thing is.
And in that they screw up. They forget that they are coping
with other human beings, who grow up, think, learn, cry, and have a life of
their own. For parents it’s very difficult to forget the image of the helpless
infant who wasn’t even potty-trained. So when the infant one day suddenly
creates an opinion, the first
instinct parents have is that it’s wrong, or at least flawed. Because this kid can’t possibly match the
years of experience and hardship we have endured, and the lessons we learnt
from them, right? In doing so parents develop a perception that they know
what’s right for the kid. This soon transitions to the belief that if parents
are doing something for the kid, it automatically becomes for the kid’s
benefit. Well, that’s bullshit!
Knowing right from wrong comes with experience and
knowledge, and even then the wisest of us make mistakes. Parents don’t always
instinctively know what the best is for their children. They can only attempt
at making the judgment which according to themselves is the best. Their
judgment might not always be right. Parents do not have a divine knowledge of
what’s best for their kids. And you know what? That’s okay.
A fear parents always have is that the children might not be
able to cope up without them. And parents spend a lifetime trying to create a
“good” life for the children after they are gone. In this pursuit of happiness
for their children, parents sometimes forget to give their children a good life
while they are around. They’ll scold,
thrash, and scorn the children for mistakes they do not want to transform into
habits. Basically, they want all their good traits and none of their bad traits
in their children, which is a noble pursuit. But this leaves the child craving
for love, care, and compassion. Children seldom want your money or inheritance.
They settle for it because that’s all they are left with. And they accept it as
a way of life. As a very good
friend of mine told me once, we can’t afford to forgo the love in the
present to secure comfort in a future whose existence is not secured. If only
we tried to keep today full of love, we wouldn’t have to worry about the
future.
To the children I say this. If you are the kind of person
who would happily give up your own needs and desires for the happiness of your
parents, then you are looking forward to a life of despair and regret. But it
is one that you have chosen for yourself. You have bonded yourself into slavery
and like a slave now you must exist. Your opinions and wants henceforth do not
matter and your life is going to be one pre-determined by your parents – unless
the forces of the world choose otherwise.
Else, you may choose to take your own stand and suffer the
consequences your decisions have brought upon yourself. You are the master of
your life and a slave to the consequences of your decisions. No one but
yourself is to be blamed for your life. There is an expiry date on till when
you can blame your parents for your failures, and you are well past that.
