Prelude
Recently I was asked to work with a person. This guy is an
MBA and in typical MBA fashion, talks a lot. I was once on the phone with him
for 9 minutes (in which obviously he did most of the talking) and
at the end of it I felt I gained no new information. I kept asking him to email
whatever details he was sharing and he kept giving excuses about why he
wouldn't/couldn't email me what he was telling. He is always late for meetings.
At one point he told me, "I have an early
morning appointment at Nariman Point at 11:30 AM." I had no idea on how to
react to that. 11:30 AM for me is noon before which I can feed my dog after
walking it after buying one after researching about which one to buy. But this
guy makes good rapport with people, something which I have had trouble with. He
follows no schedule and is something of a free-willer. I see him as someone who
absolutely lacks discipline and I could not for the life of me work with him.
But I have to. I get irritated while talking to him and I conduct conversations
with him on an overly no-nonsense basis. He makes commitments and gives
promises I know he has neither researched about nor can he fulfill. Besides I
just get irritated on him talking too much and documenting nothing. So here's
my theory.
There are 2 types of people in the world. Finance guys (in
lack of a better word) and Marketers. There are also HR people but
they are useless. We'll come back to them in a moment.
The Finance Guy
Now Finance people are organized like the excel sheets they
work on. They follow strict logic and a code of conduct. They also have a
creative tune to them but even their creativity is so systematic and bounded by
rules that it doesn't look like creativity at all. Like Sango (the
God XLRI teacher), Finance people don't speak too many words. But
each word they speak is backed up by legally binding papers (or a strong will). Very few times you'd
see a proper Finner (slang term for Finance guy) making a
commitment without backing it up by anything other than his own will. At its
extreme, this guy would be an anti-social person who's unable to understand
social customs and etiquette. He's the guy who does all the work on a project
but hates making the presentation to a bunch of people. He is in need of a
Marketer who can protect him from the world which he does not care about. These
people are generally found in the field of Finance (obviously),
scientific research, academia, literature, military, and Infosys.
The Marketer
On the other hand, Marketers are bakchods in the truest sense of the word. They hate documentation
simply because they are too lazy to write anything. Also they lack the
discipline to follow a task to its end. They need someone to takeover the task
from their hands in the middle. They live in constant hope that things will
eventually fall in place on their own. It's not that they don't think about
making an effort. The thing is they don't think that making an effort has any
value. "Jisne paida kiya wo palega". This refers to
God when they talk about it but a Finner would say this refers to their
parents. Marketers are people who understand “people”. They know that human beings are bundles of emotions
rather than logical algorithms. This is an insight which enables them to work
with people. This baffles Finners because Finners expect people to be logical.
They aren't. Marketers are generally found in funded start-ups, FMCG companies,
call centers, broking houses, and in their homes unemployed.
But there's a danger to the complete lack of adherence to
rules and discipline. If stretched too far, a Marketers may fall into the trap
of being an HR. Let's take a moment to appreciate that.
While a Marketers seem to be idling their time away, they
are the glue binding the group. Heaven knows if a team is left to the Finner it
wouldn't last a day. Marketers know how to hold a group together, even if they
do it sub-consciously. But the Marketer can claim to be a genuine marketer,
seemingly bringing business and holding the team together, while he might
actually be an HR wearing the skin of a Marketer.
And that's where the game gets dangerous. For you don't know
if the guy you're dealing with is an agile antelope or a wolf wearing a deer
carcass. This confusion makes Finners such as myself irritated. Note, we
already hate not knowing stuff. You cannot codify something that lacks logic
and definition. On top of that, we have to figure out if the person we are
dealing with is Superman or Lex Luther (because of course, we ourselves
are Batmen). We fail to understand which side to take and then often, end
up attacking the wrong person. Because both Marketers and HRs irritate us with
similar traits. But one of them helps the business while the other is the bane
of our existence (get it? "Bane". OK enough DC jokes).
And so the battle continues.
In Summary
Finner
|
Marketer
|
HR
|
Usually seen with hands in pockets. A sign of being closed
to others
|
Usually seen with frantically moving hands. Too excited
about everything on the planet
|
Usually seen with hands inside their pants. Enough said
|
Reaches at 2:00 for a meeting scheduled at 4:00
|
Reaches at 6:00 for a meeting scheduled at 4:00. On the
next day
|
Times to meet coincide with lunch time
|
Uses few words while speaking
|
Uses few breaths while speaking
|
Does not speak unless a direct threat is made
|
Phone conversations last 30 seconds flat
|
Take 10 minutes on the phone to warm up
|
Phone conversations restricted to calling you in their
cabin – and that means trouble
|
Prefers documenting information (orgasms on graphs and
charts)
|
Prefers one long monologue for all the information
|
Can quote “company policies and guidelines” by heart –
lack awareness for anything else in the world
|
Have a fixed routine of work
|
Asks you for the spelling of “routine”
|
Can quote “company policies and guidelines by heart – lack
awareness for anything else in the world
|
Treats people as logical creatures
|
Treats people as emotional creatures
|
Does not treat people as creatures
|
Socially apathetic
|
Socially overwhelming
|
Socially pathetic
|
Makes the presentation
|
Presents the presentation
|
Finds flaws in the presentation
|
Pessimists
|
Optimists
|
Idiots
|
Does not rely on God
|
Relies on God
|
Thinks of himself as God
|
Perfect example: Batman
|
Perfect example: Joker
|
Perfect example: Rahul Gandhi
|
Idea job: Research
|
Ideal job: Salesman
|
Ideal job: Professional Candy Crush player
|
Post Script
So how do you make a Finner to the core work with a Marketer?
It's like building a road on a wave. You cannot do it. But it's essential for
them to work together. And here comes the solution in the Indian way. Have an
arranged marriage.
This does not mean actually get them married. No. What I
mean is get them together first without assigning them work. And do it fast!
Make them comfortable with each other. Break it to them that the only way they
can possibly be allowed to exist is to get along with the other. Else they
shall perish. Fucking bind them together! In all lost hope, the two shall learn
to coexist, without responsibilities. They shall laugh, love, party, and get
habituated to one another without any sense of responsibility while you, the
mastermind, bide your time. Once you see that they are now realizing their
mismatch and potential incompatibility, then and only then should you assign
them the work of producing output from their association. And as before, do it
fast. This situation if handled wrongly can lead to total disaster. So handle
it delicately, and once they have produced a shoddy bloody mess of work, ask
them to take care of it. Now you have a productive output with the blood of
your minions attached to it. And they shall bleed to make it a success. Now, in
the truest sense, you've joined them. And that's how an HR binds a Finner to a
Marketer.
