Second Options - Part 2

...continued from Second Options - Part 1    

            Jaishith Jaswant. This one name is enough to send jibbers down the spine of any second year in my Hall. More popularly known as JJ because his name is too fearsome to be taken (like J. K Rowling’s Voldemort), this man speaks in a deep heavy voice which makes you want to listen to him even when he is burying you under the weight of his carefully handpicked vernaculars in the common room. The first thing you notice about this creature was his curly long hair which was actually a cross between the fur of a grizzly bear and leaves of a banana tree. I wondered if this was a desperate reaction to the overwhelming urge of seeing feminity in IIT, even if only in the mirror. I was sitting there in his room waiting for him to turn towards me and enlighten me with the “Seccy funda” which I would be questioned on in my SOP (Statement of Purpose. A pre-election event where the candidates are “formally” screwed). Though rooms in Kgp are mere 7’ by 11’ boxes, still it’s amazing how much one can hope to see in a Kgpian’s room. This guy lived alone in the box and in the name of furniture had an iron cot, a cemented rack to use as an almirah (without the door though) and three tables. I wondered if this is a perk of being a G. Sec. I lived with a roommate and we had only one table to share among ourselves. This guy lived alone and had three. On the first table, random papers were scattered everywhere. Soon I realized that it was a pool of certificates, assignments, to-do lists, calendars, charts, etc. The second table was the cleanest and was dedicated to the laptop alongwith an external hard-drive, a pen-drive, a CD bag, speakers, a charger, an external mouse, an external keyboard, earphones, headphones, a multi-plug, a webcam and another plethora of modern gadgets he believed life was impossible without. The cleanliness of the second table was sharply contrasted by the third table which was dedicated completely to cigarette packets. There were cigarette packets of all brands, empty cigarette packets, full cigarette packets, half-empty cigarette packets and even cigarette packets filled with ash. While it was very repulsive seeing those packets it was also quite tempting. I doubted if Jaishith would offer me one. I continued analysing the 7’ by 11’ box when the same husky voice which had haunted me for months finally spoke to me,

            ‘So, shall we begin?’

            I would have liked to tell him that he didn’t give me much of an option and if he really were asking me my answer would be a straight no. But I decided to take the simpler way out.

            ‘Yes.’ I replied.

            ‘I’m going to give you a list of panellists. Buy a brand new diary, go to all of them and write whatever they tell you. When you go to them always carry a small gift like a chocolate or a cigarette. Don’t insult me and yourself by going to them with a notebook like this,’ he pointed to my half-torn copy. ‘Try to be in a proper dress when you go to them. Don’t be worried about me. Come to me however you want to. OP has ended, now you don’t need to fear from me. But remember that since I’m peaceful with you doesn’t mean every senior will be. Be careful when you go to them. And yes, remember to write a small Statement of Purpose about why you are contesting for this post, what would you do if elected and why you want to become a Seccy…’

            ‘And if I don’t want to become a Seccy?’

            He smiled. ‘Of course you do. That’s what you are contesting for!’

            For the next one hour Jaishith Jaswant, a.k.a JJ gave me a long range of funda about the literary events and the Hall in general. He told me about the who’s who in literary events in the Hall, about the people who have now graduated but had done something in this field for the Hall, the ones who did not do anything in this field but were a who’s who in the Hall, and the people who were to be approached, but did not matter in any way for the Hall. He also gave elaborate ideas about the various events, rules, loopholes in the rules, the judges, the loophole judges. I pondered if every panellist was going to give so many fundae. There were a total of 75 panellists. That would mean 75 hours or 3 days and 3 hours straight. I did the maths even while JJ told me about the rules regarding the disciplinary committee hearings. He then showed me his own Statement of Purpose from last year. It said,

            ‘I want to contest for the post of Literary Secretary of this Hall because I am interested in literary activities. I assure that if given an opportunity to become a secretary I shall take this Hall to levels of excellence it deserves. I want to become a Secretary so that I can contribute towards the Hall.’

            The SOP was pathetic and it clearly showed on my face. He smiled. I think he felt the sadistic pleasure of the thought that finally someone else was going to go through the same trauma he had been through last year. He said, ‘Make your SOP simple, not good. The longer it is, the more they’ll have an opportunity to screw you.’

Second Options - Part 1

            Dedicated to The Juice. Though you were not my roomie, you were always there to be worse than one.

            It felt better. Within the last 24 hours I’d shouted on facchas on the streets to cycle slowly, seen facchas searching for more than just clues, taken a ton of junk from the Gymkhana to my Hall; been made to stand in a dimly lit room (not unlike the one the witches used to boil lizards in Macbeth) for hours together where seniors shouted incomprehensible stuff at us; walked to chheddis at 4 A.M after 4 months; seen my room with a broken bed; slept on the corridor and FINALLY, it was over. I was so cheerful that I hugged Gambheer and all he had to say to me was,

“Munda sada doli chad gaya band baj gaya, oye hoye hoye

chad ke saariyan ek baariyan dil nu leiyan ki beemariyan

munda munde naal ponda yaariyan

sehra baanda noore aanda khwaab te maa da ujad gaya

Maa da laadla bigad gaya, maa da laadla bigad gaya

maa da laadla bigad gaya, maa da laadla bigad gaya.”

            For the umpteenth time I looked at Gambheer in disgust with my sandy eyes who slept on blissfully. Though it had become a daily activity, but even after one and a half months of roomeiship (yes! I coined the word) I was finding it difficult to wake up every morning by Gambheer’s prurient alarm. How could he expect to wake up every morning hearing that song! I actually didn’t mind his personal choices much (in the matter of alarm tone that is) till I had to wake up every morning due to HIS alarm and wake him up to shut that stupid thing off!

            Anyways, after that chore I rubbed off my eyes, got off my bed and went off to relieve myself from the pressures of the past. Having done that, it was time for a new day and a new day it was indeed. Last night being the end of the dark days, I was finally relieved to lead an independent life. There was so much to look forward to. Perhaps I could start going to the Gym now; but the thought of waking up early every day and sweating for 2 hours before going to the class shook me off the thought. I barely made it to the class in time after waking up. Nah! There was no chance of me making it to the Gym. I should try something less laborious such as participating in any of the many events here at IIT. But if I go into it, the expectations of the team would have made me practice it so hard that ultimately I’d hate doing it. This isn’t for me. In the end I decided to concentrate all my focus on the most important thing in life. The thing I came to IIT for. I opened my facebook account and began to check out the pictures of the girls in the junior batch. My brawny chain of activity was interrupted by Gambheer when he asked me,

‘Which post are you contesting for?’

‘Post! What post?’

‘Seccy Post. The Secretary elections are going to be on soon. You’ve got to contest for a post.’

‘Dude I want some peace in life. I already have a screwed CG; I cannot handle the additional responsibility of a Seccy post! I need to study sometime.’

‘So what? Don’t you think the others have to study too? Are they muttonheads to be contesting in the elections?’

            Till date I’m unable to understand how come “not being the only one screwed” can be a reason to be screwed some more in Kgp. Every time I’ve told someone about my problems for an excuse, the standard reply was, “you’re not the only one.” As if they’re saying “so what? At least you’re not getting nailed alone. You’re getting nailed in public WITH the public. You should be glad!” Plus my G. Sec goes a step further.

‘Sir, I can’t come to cheer for the team. I’m very ill. (cough cough for extra impact)’

‘(cough right in my face) I’m also ill.’

‘Sir, I need to go home. My cousin’s getting married.’

‘I haven’t attended any marriage in my family for years either. Damn! I also missed the wedding of my parents. L’

‘Sir I can’t handle this with my academics.’

‘Do you think you get less time to study than me?’

‘So you screwing up your grades doesn’t mean I screw them up too,’ I think. But without the courage of saying this into the face of Dracula, I say, ‘Sir, I’m not feeling good about everything here. Please spare me.’

‘Do you think I didn’t face it in my time?’

            I told Gambheer flat that I wasn’t going to contest for any post. Gambheer laughed at me. He was contesting for Menta a.k.a. maintenance. He told me that menta and mess were the most peaceful Secretary posts available and if I don’t act fast I’d be made to contest for the loaded posts like entertainment, technology or even the devilish DRAMATICS! I said I’d kaatafy and be known as a kaata seccy. He debated with me in favour of contesting. He said there are many perks.

·         You get to know the seniors.

·         The seniors get to know you.

·         You get involved in the Hall.

·         You increase your knowledge about the Hall.

·         You get to contribute towards the Hall.

·         You get a formal opportunity of screwing other Halls.

·         You take a position of responsibility.

·         You take a position of authority.

·         You can write it in your CV.

·         You can write it in your Résumé.

·         It enhances your leadership skills.

·         It enhances your management skills.

·         Because Obama says, “Yes we can!”

            I had only one reply for him, which I believe is restricted for public readership so I shall not mention it here. But later that day, “truth” hit me in the face. I literally collided with the G. Sec in the mess and with curd dripping down his pants; he smiled at me and said,

‘Vishal Gupta (smirk). You are contesting for Lit Seccy (Literary Secretary). Come to my room at 4 sharp.’